I am smiling.

I dreamed about bringing Emma to a pumpkin patch and an apple orchard. I loved going to them when I was younger - even the school trips. Emma would  have been 8-9 months during the "heart of fall" (not in MN of course, as SNOW is predicted in our forecast for this weekend...ICK) if she was born on time. I thought about how fun it would be to go with Jayson, Beth and Hope - what a fun thing to do for cousins and what great pictures as well! I would have been ALL over that for sure. Unfortunately fall has come and almost gone and I am sad.

This past Monday night I came home and saw probably the best thing that I could have this fall. It was a horribly rainy day and I was just looking forward to getting home. As I passed my house (to get the mail) I got the biggest smile on my face as I saw the three pumpkins on my step, with the littlest one that had a pink ribbon and rose attached. As I drove up the driveway and got out, in the pouring rain and tears in my eyes, I was smiling. It was the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful thing someone has done for me in remembering Emma in a long time. I quickly searched to see if there was a note, letter, something that would tell me who left me this awesome gift but to no avail. Just three pumpkins, a big one for Josh, middle one for me and the cutest little one for Emma. Just as I would have bought and put in the same spot. I didnt post this entire week because I wanted to make my next post about these pumpkins. However of course, when I needed it most to capture this - I couldnt find my camera battery charger. So $45 later (dont tell J I spent that much on a charger that I previously had...!) I charged that battery up and took that picture tonight, still with that beaming smile. Now you might not notice two things about this post that are just by the grace of God. 1 - I have one loving person who knows and thinks about Emma like I do who graciously went out of their way to do this for us and 2 - I was smiling through everything. I literally remember smiling when I saw that tiny pumpkin, smiling as I touched that sweet rose. It is amazing to me that almost one year later after losing my sweet baby girl I am smiling about something I dreamed about with Emma. I am smiling with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart, but smiling none the less. Such a wonderful God given thing. A simple smile. A real smile. I didnt have to pretend to be happy, to put on my "im okay" smile, it was my real smile.  This verse in Isaiah just says it all...

  I will lead the blind by the ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.  These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.      Isaiah 42:16

God is bringing us through this unfamiliar path and I can see the flickering light beside me in this darkness.  The more things that come up closer to Emma's birthday and the more emotional I get, He is making it smoother.  He will not forsake us.  I am so unbelievable relieved of that.

Wondering who so graciously & selflessly left the three unmarked pumpkins on our doorstep? I had to figure it out, as it was driving me crazy!  I needed to thank the person who is still making me smile.  Well that would be my awesome, sweet sister in law Bethany, who is always thinking of her niece and myself which I appreciate more than I will ever be able to tell her. Who just recently started the blogging world. Head over to her blog Here and look at my absolutly precious niece, Hope. Or just look below...she just has the most innocent and adorable face - I love it!  She is such a blessing in our lives and I love that she makes me smile.