Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Happy Fourth of July!

I LOVE the Fourth of July! It has always been one of my favorite holidays, yes even comparing with Christmas! I enjoy the family get together's, fireworks, hamburgers/hot dogs, s'mores, being on the lake, and celebrating our beautiful AMERICA! I love my country and am so grateful for our troops who are currently serving, as those who have served in the past too! I get choked up singing any patriotic song and try to make a point of saying thank you to anyone I know has served for our country. My grandpa served in WWII, and I love honoring him and remembering him every memorial day and Fourth of July especially. He passed away when I was younger, and my grandma proudly reminds us all the time about how he was so proud of his country and that he was able to serve for his family. Such a wonderful thing.

When I found out I was pregnant with Emma last year, I ventured into Old Navy last summer after the fourth, and even though we didn't know if we were having a boy or girl, I got a couple girl 4th of July outfits. I sort of had a feeling it was a girl so it was hard to control the shopping aspect of that...Anyways :) There was an adorable onesie that said "Daddy's Little Sweetie" that was red and had a flag on it. Then there was an even cuter dress that was red, white, and blue. Now they are in the closet just hanging there...I am sad that Emma isnt here to wear any of those cute outfits.

I am looking forward to the Fourth of July, celebrating our country's freedom. I know I will be missing and wishing my sweet girl was here to wear those adorable outfits I bought.

Happy Fourth of July and thank you to those who have served and who are serving our country. I appreciate it so much, as well as my hubby and our families!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Sleepless in Seattle

Tonight I am hanging out at home. Josh gets back from California tomorrow and I had all of these plans of deep cleaning the house, guest bedroom organized (right now it is my "laundry room"- which means disaster) and make a cake or some sort of treat to surprise him. That was my plan at 3 pm today at work. The sun was shining, I was in a good mood, looking forward to Josh coming home. And then I got home, walked into our house and I was sad. I should have a little baby girl with me. We would have definitely had a play date today, it was just so nice out.

Instead I am watching Sleepless in Seattle, laying on the couch and crying off and on. Tom Hanks says a line and I start crying. It is almost on cue. I am at the beginning where he is talking about his wife (his wife died) and says "I miss you so much it hurts" and I lose it. Oh I know those words all to well. Grieving the loss of a child physically hurts. My heart hurts. I don't think I have ever felt an actual heartache before losing Emma. I have a pain in my stomach and just feel weighed down.

I am looking forward to the hubby coming home. I miss him. Well back to the movie. Back to thinking of our baby girl and missing her so much it hurts.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Hard to explain...

There are many others I have "met" that unfortunately are a part of this "club" of losing a child. There are so many thoughts and feelings that you feel in grieving your child and honestly it is hard to explain to others that ask. As I said before, many don't know what to say/what not to say. Many don't say/do anything because they are "uncomfortable". Please read this blog- as she lost their son Nate last year and her words are so true, every last one. I cried as I read her posts, feeling and experiencing firsthand the exact things she wrote. I love her "drowning" explanation of how someone might be able to understand what it is like to lose a child... Check it out Here.

I am missing Emma tonight (more than normal). It astounds me how the littlest things remind me of her. Such as...tonight I have a headache. I get headaches often...more often than not I would have to say. Migraines are the worst, especially when my medicine doesn't do a thing...But tonight it is just a dull one and when I stopped to take one second to think, yes just one second is all it took- all my painful feelings and wounds opened right back up. Flooding is a more appropriate term. See I got them often while I was pregnant, especially with the hormones and not being able to take any of my meds for them... So my lovely little dull headache sent me through a whirlwind of emotions (not that it helps the headache then either). Awesome.

Oh I so wish Emma was here with us...I love and miss you baby girl. Love your mommy

Sister (in law)

I haven't really shared with anyone that I have this blog. This past weekend in Cali I told my sister (in law- but really a wonderful sister) and she read what I have written. My SIL and BIL were the ones who drove me to the hospital when I had Emma. Thank goodness both of them (happened) to be home. I don’t know how we would have made it otherwise- My BIL was driving and trying to coach my breathing as my sister in law held my hand and talked with the nurse preparing them to our arrival. It (normally) takes about 35-40 minutes to get to Children’s and it took us about 20-25 minutes which was a miracle especially since I delivered about 15 minutes after getting there. Bethany was by my side all through my contractions and delivery. I wouldn't have made it without her. She made sure the NICU team did everything they could, talked to Josh and they both (Jayson and Beth) talked with the funeral home for us as well. At such an overwhelming emotional time they were there. We emailed, talked, texted, and everything in between after we lost Emma. They hungout with us, cried with us, and were just there. We cried this weekend in California as she re-read my thoughts and feelings. We talked about Emma with Josh and her hubby too- It was wonderful. I enjoyed every second of it. Of course I cried but it was refreshing in a sense. Others are afraid to talk to you because they are afraid you are going to cry. They dont want to make you "sad". If they only knew you are crying inside and sad alot of the time. If they only knew you enjoy hearing your child's name and want to talk about them rather than pretending this tragedy never happened. If people only knew how to act around someone who loses a child...here comes those "if's" again...ill stop.

I am so glad my BIL/SIL are not like that. They are awesome. Oh did I mention they have a 7 month old baby girl? Yes my adorable niece was born 6 days after we had Emma. They are so understanding with everything which is such a blessing to us. It is hard to be around Hope sometimes, wishing Emma was there and thinking of all the fun things they were going to do together. Bethany and I had so many plans- fun play dates, walks, matching dresses and everything else that goes into little girls lives. We wont have that and it hurts. It stings when you see other cousins/friends together, wondering how they would be together and if they would grow up to be great, close friends. I am not only sad about Emma, I am sad for Hope. She should have had a fun and crazy cousin that she could talk to about anything. I know she will find someone else but it should (/could) have been Emma.

California was good. Yes there were many times I thought of Emma, especially being at the wedding. I am sad to be home, still wishing that I was there in the sun relaxing :) I did enjoy relaxing Sunday and Monday and am glad I had that time there. Especially that time with Bethany- I feel closer to them everytime we talk about Emma and I love it. So Bethany if you are reading this Thank you. Thanks for all you did that day and beyond, and this past weekend as well too. I really appreciate you and love you dearly. I love being an auntie to that sweet little girl of yours and hope we can hangout/chat soon.

Apparently not tired or at least back on MN time, which really stinks as I have to be up in about 5 hours! Goodnight (hopefully)!!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Leaving on a jet plane...

Clearly not sleeping again...so thought I would post what is on my mind to hopefully help with that! On Saturday morning Joshua and I will be leaving for California to go to his cousin's wedding. I havent packed yet or even thought about it really. All that I can think of is Emma should be here. I should have all her clothes laid out, packing wayyyy to much "just in case". But instead nothing. Not a thing.

And then throw Father's day into the mix. Just another thing practically everyone is talking about! I thought Mother's day was hard. I dont think Father's day is going to be any easier- as I am just hurting for Josh. He would have been the best daddy to Emma. I so wished to see him hold her, play with her and tell her about life. He would have been sooooo overprotective but what daddy shouldnt be? I longed to see their relationship and I wont be able to see that. I am looking forward to getting past all of these "firsts" without Emma. It brings you back to that raw, open wound that is stinging so so badly.

I am looking forward to leaving for another break. I dont know if I will really be able to "escape everything" because of other reasons but at least it is time off from work. I am not staying the entire trip...as I couldnt because of work, but I am okay with that. I love going to Cali and visiting Josh's family- they are so wonderful and we are always entertained and have an awesome time. I am sure it will feel different, tears may (will) be shed (in private of course :), but all in all I know I will enjoy the trip.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Real meaning of "Lazy Day"

I have "enjoyed" writing down my thoughts ever since we lost Emma. I would jot down a fear here and there (regarding our future) but mostly it is things I wanted to tell her and teach her...I did go to school to be a teacher- I mean the girl would have been going crazy by the age of 2.

I think that is why I started this "blog" that really I only read (that I know of :) I can go back to my thoughts, fears and just everything to remember this time- rather than flipping through my many post-its, random comments, etc...

I remember when it was hard to get out of bed, and to tell the truth, I still have some of those days. I say that I just want to have a "lazy day" and "dont feel like doing much" to most but when I say that to the hubby he knows what that means. It means that I am missing Emma and just cant put on my happy face for the day. I had one of those days last Saturday. It was great. We talked about Emma, I had some time to reflect on "how I am really doing" and many prayers. I might need a couple more of those days here...

If anyone else is reading this- I would so appreciate prayers for a sweet little girl who is having a shunt put in on Friday. This was completely unexpected (like most things are) - "C" is a happy, cute as can be 16 month old who is very near and dear to my heart. Please pray for her health, surgery, doctors operating, and her parents comfort in the Lord. We know He is in control. Thank you!

Well I am going to try and go to bed...we will see if I can sleep now...Goodnight little one- we miss you dearly and even though we wish you were here- we are so happy you are safe in the arms of Jesus. We love you.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

12 am?? What is this!

When we first lost Emma, it was difficult for me to sleep. I was so exhausted but just could not fall asleep. Well I would fall asleep on occasion and then be up by 2. That clearly didnt help my mood either...

Anyways, for some reason I have been having the same problem lately. Not completely the same, I now cannot fall asleep until about 12 am or later. It is not that I am not tired, trust me I am. But when I go to bed with Josh (about 9,930) I lay there. So I decide to lay there but all I do is think...sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes I just want to fall asleep. It is so frustrating. I hope this goes away soon and I get back to a normal schedule- It makes life so much easier!

So just thought I would say that, I am going to try and lay back down again. Goodnight our sweet girl, we miss and love you dearly.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Praise You in this storm

Today, May 6th, 2009 marked 7 months without our sweet baby girl. If Emma would have lived, she would have been 7 months old today. If Emma was born on time (early March) she would be 3 months old. If Emma could have stayed in a couple more weeks, week, day...she might still be here. If, if, if....

Many if's have consumed our lives in the past months. I stop in my tracks at so many things, some prepared for, some not. I have 2 examples: A: Seeing and hearing about graduations. I have friends graduating from college and know of others graduating from high school. Josh and I will never get to see Emma graduate hs or college. We wont know what she would be like, her personality, looks, traits, etc. Would she have known what she wants to be? Or would she go to college unknowingly to find out? Oh so so many thoughts and questions...
B: Trips/vacations. We are going on a trip this coming month, that has been planned for quite some time. We originally planned on being so stressed on packing for a 3 month old, so many things to bring, an interesting plane ride and a fun household with 2 babies and a couple of teenagers :) Instead we are going "stress free", packing like any other trip and just able to "relax" as we dont have anything or anyone to consume our lives on our hands. This is a bit difficult... Emma should be there, I should be stressing out beyond belief right now about how many diapers I will need to pack and if I have enough time to even think about packing Joshua's things- or if this will be the marking of a new era when he will have to pack himself. (Scary if you know josh!)

I so wish Emma was here. There is not a day that goes by that I dont miss that sweet little girl. The little girl I longed for and prayed for. There were so many things I wanted to do with my baby girl. Cousin play dates, walks, BOWS (Oh how I love bows!) and those adorable little dresses. I wanted to tell her so many things, read her Baby Beluga (one of my fav books) and Brown Bear, Brown Bear (another fav) a million trillion times in just one day. I could go on forever.

After writing all this, it brings me to the title of this blog. And I will praise YOU in this storm. If it is not obvious by my words, I feel like I am in a storm. One of those crazy, "can you believe this" kind of storm. It lets up, but then comes back full fledged when we are least expecting it. I can predict some of the bad weather but the worst is when you cant see it coming. I have never experienced this kind of storm before. I pray that no one will ever have to feel/experience it either. But because I cannot change the past, I will be praising God in this storm. "As your mercy falls, ill raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away, And ill praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands, for you are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I cry, You hold in Your hand, You never left my side. You know my heart is torn, and I will praise You in this storm.

So I close this first post with this song. What a great song, especially if you are living in a storm...

Praise you in this storm