Monday, December 28, 2009

One Lucky Girl

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Ours was filled with so much food and family, how wonderful!! I unfortunately woke up sick on Christmas morning so I was unable to spend it with my family. I either had food poisioning or a really horrible flu. I am so glad to be done with that!! It lasted all day and then I was fine. Really weird. Thankfully I was feeling better on Christmas night and Bethany and I were raring to go for the after Christmas salesat Target, Patina & Gap. My 3 favorite stores. Ever. It was fun & I so enjoy the times we spend together! Thanks Beth :) I always spend too much money but always have tons of fun!!

I prayed many times for other moms who were missing their babies this Christmas holiday.  It isnt easy seeing everyone with their children, in their adorable outfits wishing your child could be with them. I thought of miss Emma so much, how old she would have been, what outfit I would be dressing her in, how much fun it would be to see her opening her gifts at the family events and at our house Christmas morning.  Everytime I had those thoughts, I prayed for God to get me through the night at least until I got home.  If that was too much it would be until I got out the door.  And honestly, some were just until I could sneak into the other room...and yes I did have to do that.  But I made it through, with a smile on my face.  I reminded myself that my sweet Emma was celebrating Christmas in Heaven, what an amazing time that was. She was with Jesus as they celebrated His birthday.  She is one lucky girl uh??!! 

I did enjoy seeing this sweet face this past week - I love my little Hopers so much and she is just so fun to be around!!  Isnt she so stinkin cute?   

Well this Vikings game is not fun.  They better turn it around ASAP.  Pathetic!  Maybe I am bad luck so I am going to work on cleaning the "guest room".  It has become a disaster zone and I started to tackle that yesterday morning. Josh's California family is coming and one of his cousin's is going to stay with us. I doubt he wants to sleep in mounds of Christmas bows and baby clothes.  

Oh one more thing...Hey Bethany!!!...Want to go see New Moon again?  I need to "check out" like we always say ;)  Ha! 


Monday, December 21, 2009

Happy 2nd Anniversary!!

2 years ago today I married my husband.  I dont know where I would be today without Josh.  I have known him for over 8 years.  Where does the time go?  I feel like it was yesterday that we were trying to rush out of our highschool classes to meet by the locker bays :)  Ha!  I couldnt drive when we met...didnt even have my permit!  We have been through so much in the last 8 years and even more in the past 2.  I wouldnt want to go through anything without Joshua and I am so glad he "gets" me and loves all of me...even my over emotional self!  Which has definitely been most of my self this past year. 

Here is a couple of pictures that I have on this computer...I have THOUSANDS more but ill just leave you a couple. 

My graduation party

On the Colorado River!  That was a great vacation!!

Hanging out at Jayson & Bethany's house

Lighting our unity candle

Leaving the wedding!  I was thrilled! 

At our reception - I was SO tired but it was such a wonderful day and night.  We definitely had a party!  Here are some other posts & pictures from our wedding Here & HereHere

I think this is one of the 3 times in my life that we have danced together (2 were at the wedding) - so I was so happy!    

Here is Joshua holding our daughter.  In the first year of marriage we found out we were pregnant and had our daughter within that same year.  Then the next year was dealing with the loss of our daughter.  Boy I feel like we can make it through anything.  It isnt easy to deal with the loss of a child.  Josh has been my rock through all of this and I am so thankful to be able to be his wife. 

I love you Joshua!  Happy 2nd Anniversary!  I cant wait to spend the rest of my life with you and make many more memories. 



Thursday, December 10, 2009

Exhausted or not

I was the only one in the office today and the only one in there tomorrow. My boss took my co-workers and their spouses to his home in Florida for 4 days for our Christmas party. I was bummed I couldnt go on the Florida trip, but due to my medical anomolies I was unable to travel. Since I couldnt go, I was going to be "positive" anyways. Well I was "glad" that I would have 2 days to get work done with minimal interuptions & hopefully get caught up on alot of things. Well let me tell you, with things consuming your mind such as thisthis I can tell you one thing - being alone all day is NOT a good thing. My mind started to wander and I think I was crying by 10 am. I am missing my sweet girl this Christmas season. I am one emotional wreck (when I am alone...). Then having this miscarriage has made it a little more difficult to suffocate my feelings or suffice them for the work day. I honestly dont know where the day went, and dont know if I got anything done. So I decided to leave at 4:20 to try and beat some of the traffic and boy...It was absolutely horrible. Words cannot even describe. I thought being alone at work was difficult...try being alone in a car hardly MOVING. Thankfully I was able to BLAST the radio and try to tune out the rest of my mind that wouldn't stop going.  It helped a little, but only until the multiple commercials came on and all of the sad songs.  
Ugh.  Been a rough night.  I love the holiday season, but sometimes (okay, many times) it does bring back some difficult memories & heartache.  I long to hold Emma right now, I would be snuggling up with her and enjoying ever second of it, exhausted or not.   

I feel like I always put this picture up - but I just love it.  She looks oh so sweet & peaceful.  I would give anything to snuggle her up & kiss that sweet nose right about now....

Be strong & courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake youDeuteronomy 31:6


Sunday, December 6, 2009

I cannot wait for that day

Can you believe it is December??!!  I cannot believe where this time has gone.  I love Christmas time and everything around the holiday season.  I was so happy to come home this past week to read all of the  December posts and look at the festive Christmas decorations.  So fun!  I changed my background to get in the spirit - and my next "to do" is to add some Christmas music to my playlist!  I will have a festive blog then!  I have been listening to Christmas music since before November 1st (and admittedly the New Moon Soundtrack as well) and I just love it. 

I would be lying if the holidays are just all happy and I love them all the time.  It should have been Emma's first Christmas.  It is hard to go to all of the family things without her and to act like we are healed and "better".  Oh how I would love sharing in this wonderful season with her.  I am doing well for the most part - but it is still difficult.  Last year at this time was extremely difficult and I am grateful to be past the rawness of that pain.  But all of those memories and dreams are still in my head and I still have my moments.  And of course, nothing could bring back those hurtful & heartbreaking feelings like what I am about to share with you...(and if you know me in real life please dont share with others - as I havent brought all my family up to speed on everything mainly because I dont want to worry them...thank you)- but I feel like I can share & it will explain while I have been so unexplainably (sp/word??) absent in blogging land.  Ill start off by saying this.  I am sad. angry. hurt. tired. overwhelmed. terrified. frustrated. hopeful.  It is amazing to me that I can even say that last word but I am being completely honest.  Ill try to explain all - please bear with me....     

On Monday November 17th I decided to take one of these...

and I got this...

and I was a little surprised so I took 2 more...

and then 2 more of a different brand just in case...

So yes in total I took 5 pregnancy tests.  Crazy?  Maybe.  Scary?  Inevitable when you have lost a child.  Exciting?  Of course.  And they all said the same thing, actually they practically screamed pregnant!  Well like I said, I was a little surprised - but excited nonetheless.  Then in rare form - the journey began.  Once again.  I didnt know my exact "dates" ill say, so I called my dr and was told to come in for an ultrasound and beta testing to see what we could figure out.  I had the ultrasound the day before Thanksgiving and The past 2+ weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions...

I went in for an ultrasound so they could do measurements of my cervix & determine dates, etc & found out 4 different things. Ill spare you all the details - but basically the pregnancy is not viable.  It has been a waiting game since that first u/s and I am just sick of it.  I had more tests & another u/s on Friday - and they said the same thing.  It has been a long weekend and the worst part is we still dont know exactly what is going on and our next steps.  I am hoping to find out a little more today.

I am hopeful.  I know that is because of the family & friends that are praying for me right now & because I am still trusting Him.  Dont get me wrong - I shared above my WIDE range of emotions that I have/had over the past 2+ weeks and they are anything but hopeful.  I have not felt hopeful this entire time.  But I do now.  Not with this pregnancy (because it has already been determined) but with a future one.  My lifelong dream is to be a mom.  I am a momma to Emma, my sweet first born, yet I dont get to have her here with me.  I know it will happen though & I cannot wait for that day.     

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run & not grow weary; they will walk & not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31


Sunday, November 22, 2009

A whole bunch of everything...

Boy it has been a long time since I have written on here!  Pathetic I am sorry!  Well I will explain more later but this week has been a little crazy to say the least!  So for now I will talk about Emma's Birthday - which I said I would forever ago!   

Emma's Birthday was 16 days ago.  We have been without our baby girl for a year and 16 days.  I cant believe it.  Josh and I both had Emma's birthday off.  Which was good - it was nice to take time and remember and celebrate her.  We recieved flowers throughout the day which was nice & thoughtful of others.  We went out to dinner with Jayson, Bethany and Hopers - and it was so good!  We then dropped Hope off with her Grandma & Grandpa and Jayson & Beth came back to our house.  We had a wonderful cake from Wuollet's and just talked.  It was fun.  We decided that we would make it a yearly get together - which I love.  I worked myself up on what to do and I was "happy" how it unfolded.  I look forward to creating more traditions in honor of Emma's birthday in the years to come.  Here is a picture of her birthday cake that I got - you cant really see the writing because the lighting was just not working - but it said Happy First Birthday Emma.  It was just perfect! 

My brother went hunting last weekend so we offered to watch his puppy - tyce.  He is a half german shepherd/half black lab.  He is adorable but oh so crazy!!  I guess living with 6 college boys who like to have different "friends" over does that to a puppy.  It was fun but let me tell you - I will never ever have 2 dogs at the same time, despite what Joshua may think.  It is definitely not for me.  They sure had fun together though - it was fun watching them enjoy each other so much! 

But just to reiterate - no matter how cute, I do not want 2 dogs at the same time...or I guess I should say a 3 month old puppy and an obsessive crazy dog at the same we will see :)

We also had Hoper's 1st Birthday party - it was so much fun!  Of course - my wonderful Sister in law had about 15 dozen pink roses in the middle of the spread she had out and there was a card that said Happy 1st Birthday Emma.  So sweet & subtle but it makes an insurmountable difference in how I handle things and how I am feeling.  I love you Bethany!!  

Okay I will try and wrap this up - This past Thursday (technically Friday I suppose) night Bethany and I went to see the midnight showing of NEW MOON!!!!  It was so great!  I might be going again with Bethany & a couple other friends soon I better get going!  Ill leave you with the trailer and a great view.... :)  ha!  Have a great week!!! 

Friday, November 13, 2009

Happy Birthday Hopers

I just wanted to say Happy FIRST Birthday Hopers! 

We love you so much and enjoy every second with you!  You are our sunshine pretty girl!  We had a great time at your 1st birthday party!! 

ps...Hope's birthday was yesterday, the 12th - but of course my computer died right before I was going to post and of course Kobe had chewed up the charger when we were at work yesterday...UGH!!! 


Auntie Angie

Sunday, November 8, 2009

One more day

I cant believe it has been a year since I had Emma.  It has been a year since she was alive and well and kicking in me.  It has been a year since I held my sweet precious baby girl.  It has been a year since I kissed her head and looked at her 10 fingers and toes.  I cannot believe we have made it through this year without her, but we have.  God has graciously brought us through the worst year of our life with many things we were so blessed with.  I am so glad I was chosen to carry Emma, and though I wish she was here, we know she is healthy and by our Makers side.  What a wonderful place to be.  She has changed us for the better.  I dont take anything for granted, especially a health pregnancy and baby.   It truely is God's given miracle and I dont know how much I will ever be able to stress that enough.  

I have had many tough moments this year.  I do not even know how many times I have cried said to Josh - "I am just having a moment!" or how many times I ask God why we couldn't have Emma.  I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom but I dont.  The only words I have are that we wouldnt be where we are today with Him. 

I got a facebook message yesterday, on Emma's birthday.  It was from a friend of Josh and mine - he said he had thought of us when he heard it and wanted to share.  It was called One More Day by Rocekt Club.  I had never heard it so I went to itunes, purchased it and was in tears as I listened to the first line in the song.  I facebooked him back telling him how much I loved the song and that today was Emma's birthday.  He had no idea.  Definitely a God thing, he couldnt have sent it to me at a better time.  I think I have listened to it at least 100 times in the past day.  At least.  I tried to add it to my playlist at the bottom but doesnt have it yet.  Ugh!  So here is the song - it was written by a dad who lost his daughter at 38 weeks (I believe) to a cord accident.  This dad is Mark Lacek, and he and his wife Susan founded Faith'sLodge in honor of their daughter, Faith.  It is a wonderful organization and I hope to attend one day.  Incase you havent listened to the song yet - listen HERE.  (itunes is better quality but you do have pay the 0.99 :)  Make sure you have a couple kleenex's.  It is focused on losing his daughter, but we all know the feelings are mutual for a sweet baby boy as well :) 

Here is the letter I wrote to Emma last week.  I will post later this week on what we did on her birthday, along with some pictures but blogger will not let me post them for some reason right now.  Anyways I am emotionally spent right now and am going to bed.  


Happy birthday sweet girl!  I cant believe you would be one year old.  Emma there is not a day that goes by that I am not thinking about you.  I wonder so many things - who you would act like (I am sure you would have your daddy's craziness) and what color hair you would have.  I wonder if you would have been a great sleeper or if you would have had me begging for my sanity cause this momma needs her sleep (I am guessing the 2nd of the two - especially with your daddy's craziness!).  But then I remind myself that you are perfect in heaven.  I cannot wait until the day comes that I get to see your face again.  Where I can pick you up and tell you how much I love you and have missed you so much.  I am so thankful for you and you have made me a better person.  I have wished that you were here with us so many times I cant even count.  I find so much comfort that I will get to see you again.  My heart will be bursting with joy.  I love you to the moon and back and you will forever be in my heart.  You are loved and missed by so many,  I cant wait for you to meet them in heaven.  I just know you will steal their hearts.     

Happy first Birthday Emma.  Mommy and daddy miss you so much.  You are loved sweet girl! 

Love, Mommy. 

Thank you for your fervent prayers for us.  

In Him,  


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The stockings are hung

Last year I didnt know if I would be "up" to decorating for the holidays.  I definitely wasnt looking forward to everything, even though Christmas is my absolute FAVORITE time of year...I did get married on the 21st of December remember?   Well when I wasnt doing anything after we lost Emma, I decided to put my Christmas decorations up.  I have always loved doing it so I knew that I just had to, regardless of our circumstances.  So I did.  I put my decorations up and granted they didnt make me "better" but it did help.  It wasnt so gloomy around the house and didnt appear that I was so heartbroken and didnt want to come out of my room.   

Fast forward to this year.   I was starting to think about Emma's birthday and getting sad.  It was Halloween, which isnt my favorite of holidays so I was sort of what did I do?  Oh yes I did it, I put up my Christmas tree and my Christmas decorations.  I love it.  It makes me smile when I need it most.  I will leave you with some pictures to get you into the holiday spirit :)

I dont have all my ornaments on my tree so dont judge too harshly just yet :)  I technically cannot put any on the bottom because Kobe is tempted to play with them!  I am also bummed to say that when I came home tonight Kobe had already decided to play with my handmade tree skirt, lets just say my emotional self started crying when I saw that - ugh those dogs sometimes!!!

 The stockings are hung

My favorite stocking of all - our sweet angel.

My mom got me this nativity seen the year we got married.  I love it because it is small & simple but says so much.  I love nativity scenes.  I think I have 3 already and have 2 up right now! 

I love these vases that I got at HomeGoods for very CHEAP!  Which is even better because when I was changing out my fall fillers to the Christmas ornaments I broke the top of the Viking colored ornaments.  Oh well - I guess I will have to make another stop in there! 

Now I just cannot wait to listen to Christmas music!  That will be the icing on the cake!  I decided that I am going to get the Chris Tomlin Christmas cd this year - I love him and Christmas music so I know it will be a great purchase already!  Dont worry, I will probably wait until after Thanksgiving to start listening to Christmas music. 

Thanks for your prayers - I really appreciate them as always!!  I pretty much lost it last night - the littlest thing started the tears.  I am hoping to compose myself tonight. 

I ordered miss Emma a cake for Friday.  Boy do I miss that sweet girl. 


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Not without faith

On the 31st of October last year I was on bedrest with Emma.  On November 2nd I had to go the hospital for a complication in my pregnancy.  I stayed overnight and was discharged on the 3rd.  I was told that I would be admitted on Friday November 7th for the remainder of my pregnancy.  Then I delivered my sweet, precious, baby girl on Thursday November 6th, 2008.  I was 23 weeks pregnant.  She lived for 3 hours.  To say the first week in November is emotional for me is a slight understatement.

As the music started playing in church this morning and I sang Blessed Be Your Name and Stronger, the tears were continuously streaming down my face.  It isnt unheard of that I cry in church, but the first 2 songs in is pretty early...but both of those songs have such strong words that hit home.  Pastor Bob continued in our series Not Without You, and the topic for today was Not Without Faith.  Fitting.  Pastor Bob described obedient faith as doing what God wants you to do and go without knowing the outcome and trusting him the whole way.  We need to take that step of faith and trust Him no matter what.  No questions, no worries.  I dont know where I would be today without my faith in God.  I know this week and Friday will be difficult, maybe it is the anticipation, so then I should say that I know the anticipation of this week is hard.  I really dont want to go to work tomorrow, or any day this week for that matter.  Seeing everyone able to go about their day and normal life is sometimes difficult.  But I am going and I will take that step of faith and know that God will be with me.  When I am missing my girl the most He is there.  I am so thankful for that.     

Now I am not near perfect and I am not saying that this is an easy thing.  I have cried 3 times today.  I wish I could just curl up in my bed this week.  I don't want to go through the upcoming holidays that I love so much without Emma.  I want to buy her the most adorable red Christmas dress to bring her to church in.  But that is not what was chosen for us.  I will have faith and trust that God is bringing us to a place of much joy and no more sorrow.  That our faith will be a witness to others because of Emma and that her legacy will live on forever. 

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" Psalm 126:5
Thanks for walking this journey with us.  You mean so much to me.


Monday, October 26, 2009

a wedding and a funeral...

Thank you for your kind words and prayers last week - I truely appreciate them! I would have updated sooner but it has been very busy around here.  Josh's cousin got married this past weekend - and it has been a busy past couple days! 

The wedding was beautiful.  It was alot of fun and always enjoyable getting together with family and friends.  I of course wished I had Emma with us, there were many times during all of the family pictures and discussions that I had to choke back the tears.  These are one of the hardest times - going to a big family event without your child.  To others it might cross their mind - to me and other moms it is there the entire time.  As the bride was walking down the aisle I couldnt help but thinking that I wont ever get to see Emma walk down the aisle.  I think there will always be that pain in my heart - our sweet baby girl will always be missing.  It is hard when you feel like you are the only one thinking about it.  I know others are, I really do.  But it is hard to think like that when hardly anyone has said Emma's name to me in the last however many days, weeks, months.  Of course Josh and I talk about her and my sweet sister in law and a few other friends - but it is a lonely journey all together.  It is an ongoing struggle, let me tell you! 

I am also struggling in the anticipation before my cousins funeral.  I have not yet been to a funeral since I had Emma.  Another "first" that is going to be a trial.  I know God is with me and that is ever so prevelant as I choose to get out of bed each day.  When I just want to cry and He is there to hold back my tears.  I know He will be with us on Thursday and the many days to come.  Please continue to pray for my family - they are (understandably) still having a rough time.  Mike was only 32 years old.  He will be forever loved and missed.  Losing a child is an absolutely horrific experience that is painful, physically & emotionally.  I wish no other parent would ever have to endure this pain. 

Well I am clearly not in a "bright" mood.  I cannot believe that Emma's birthday is coming so soon.  I think I am still bothered by the fact that I dont know what to do.  As I type this tears are running down my face.  I so want to honor my daughter but I dont know what to do.  I wish I could be planning an all out birthday bash.  Not having to think of what I should do.  Ugh.  I have a heavy heart tonight.  Thank you to those very sweet, caring and loving friends of mine who are praying.  I know you are and I can tell.  
To you, Oh Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, oh my God.  Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.   Psalm 25:1-2
I appreciate you more than you will ever know.  Thanks for lifting me up to our God.  I hope everyone has a great Tuesday.  


Thursday, October 22, 2009

Please pray

My mom called me around 1:30 this morning to let me know that my cousin Mike passed away.  He had a severe asthma attack.  He is in his 30's and has an adorable 8 year old daughter Brianna.  My aunt (his mom) is the one who found him not breathing.    

Please pray for my family and that they will feel God's love and comfort surrounding them during this difficult time.  Please pray for Bri especially, as she was with him as well and has lost her daddy.  

I dont have many other details than that - I will update more later.  For those who have graciously prayed for us, I am asking for one more, for my cousin and his family.  Thank you.  I appreciate it so much.    

In Him, 


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Not just one day...

Today is pregnancy and infant loss day.  Many wouldnt know unless they have unfortunately dealt with this loss.  It isnt just one day for us, more or so many long days and nights where we are missing our babies.  It is the night you cant sleep because you are thinking about all of the hopes and dreams you had for your child.  It is when you are at the resturant and it seems that everyone else has a baby.  Or when you are shopping and it seems like every woman who walks past you is 7+ months pregnant.  It is when you come home wishing you could hold your baby.  It is the weekends at church when all the adorable kids are running around and you just want to cry.  It is when your arms physically ache to hold the sweet baby you miss so dearly.  

I am praying for all of you who has lost a child.  I know the pain and how exhausting it is.  I am so thankful to have God by my side.  I dont know how or where I would be without him.   

I am remembering all of the babies that are now healthy and running around in heaven.  I am praying for all of the moms and dads who are missing a part of their family today and every other day.  I am sitting here thinking about Emma who I miss so incredibly much.  I am aching to hold her yet I have to trust God.  I love her more than words can explain and am remembering her today and every other day.  I am also thinking of your sweet babies who I know you love and miss dearly as well.   
 Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I am smiling.

I dreamed about bringing Emma to a pumpkin patch and an apple orchard. I loved going to them when I was younger - even the school trips. Emma would  have been 8-9 months during the "heart of fall" (not in MN of course, as SNOW is predicted in our forecast for this weekend...ICK) if she was born on time. I thought about how fun it would be to go with Jayson, Beth and Hope - what a fun thing to do for cousins and what great pictures as well! I would have been ALL over that for sure. Unfortunately fall has come and almost gone and I am sad.

This past Monday night I came home and saw probably the best thing that I could have this fall. It was a horribly rainy day and I was just looking forward to getting home. As I passed my house (to get the mail) I got the biggest smile on my face as I saw the three pumpkins on my step, with the littlest one that had a pink ribbon and rose attached. As I drove up the driveway and got out, in the pouring rain and tears in my eyes, I was smiling. It was the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful thing someone has done for me in remembering Emma in a long time. I quickly searched to see if there was a note, letter, something that would tell me who left me this awesome gift but to no avail. Just three pumpkins, a big one for Josh, middle one for me and the cutest little one for Emma. Just as I would have bought and put in the same spot. I didnt post this entire week because I wanted to make my next post about these pumpkins. However of course, when I needed it most to capture this - I couldnt find my camera battery charger. So $45 later (dont tell J I spent that much on a charger that I previously had...!) I charged that battery up and took that picture tonight, still with that beaming smile. Now you might not notice two things about this post that are just by the grace of God. 1 - I have one loving person who knows and thinks about Emma like I do who graciously went out of their way to do this for us and 2 - I was smiling through everything. I literally remember smiling when I saw that tiny pumpkin, smiling as I touched that sweet rose. It is amazing to me that almost one year later after losing my sweet baby girl I am smiling about something I dreamed about with Emma. I am smiling with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart, but smiling none the less. Such a wonderful God given thing. A simple smile. A real smile. I didnt have to pretend to be happy, to put on my "im okay" smile, it was my real smile.  This verse in Isaiah just says it all...

  I will lead the blind by the ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.  These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.      Isaiah 42:16

God is bringing us through this unfamiliar path and I can see the flickering light beside me in this darkness.  The more things that come up closer to Emma's birthday and the more emotional I get, He is making it smoother.  He will not forsake us.  I am so unbelievable relieved of that.

Wondering who so graciously & selflessly left the three unmarked pumpkins on our doorstep? I had to figure it out, as it was driving me crazy!  I needed to thank the person who is still making me smile.  Well that would be my awesome, sweet sister in law Bethany, who is always thinking of her niece and myself which I appreciate more than I will ever be able to tell her. Who just recently started the blogging world. Head over to her blog Here and look at my absolutly precious niece, Hope. Or just look below...she just has the most innocent and adorable face - I love it!  She is such a blessing in our lives and I love that she makes me smile. 

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I dont want to go through the motions

Tomorrow is the big Vikings vs Packers game!  If you have been living under a rock If you dont follow NFL Football - Brett Farve is now a Viking and he used to be on the Packers - for many, many years.  And the Packers have always been our rival - so this game is HUGE to say the least!  Many cheeseheads Packer fans have been in town for the weekend since we have the Monday Night Football slot - I so wish we could be going to that game!  Oh well, I marinated chicken tonight so dinner is easy tomorrow and it will just be me and the hubs cheering on our team!  Skol Vikings! 

I hope everyone had a wonderful relaxing weekend.  I enjoyed my girl time and the nursery last night...those babies are oh so sweet!  I also had nursery this morning - and there were about 22 two and three year olds - it was crazy to say the least!  The sermon today was on prayer and it really challenged me.  I pray constantly through the day and also at night but I realized I need to take a specific time EVERY DAY for time with God.  I want to grow closer to Him so my goal this week is to read the bible every day and then just spend time with Him.  No distractions. 
Matthew 6: 5-8 says, And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
 I do get so distracted with the hustle and bustle of life and I dont want to go through the motions.  Okay I might have stole that part from Matthew West as that is my new favorite song these days, you should really go listen to it -The Motions.  I just love that song.  It encourages and challenges me - I love that I feel spoken to through music. 

Well I am going to bed.  I enjoy Sundays but dont like Mondays.  Thankfully we have the big game to look forward to!  Happy Monday and remember not to go through those motions!


Saturday, October 3, 2009

Right around that corner...

I just LOVE fall!  I know I have said this before but I think it really is ultimately my favorite time of year!  I love the leaves changing, the crisp cool weather, hot tea, having the windows open, sweatshirts and sweatpants, long walks at night (or in the morning), football, my many shows, Thanksgiving & then CHRISTMAS!!   

And as much as I love fall, I feel this looming cloud right over my shoulder that is approaching FAST.   November 6th  is right around that corner.  I absolutely cannot believe it will be a year since I had my baby girl.  I did not know how I would be a year away from losing Emma.  I wish I could be planning her first birthday.  Ahhh I long to plan birthday parties.  It's hard that I have to be thinking of what we can do to honor and remember her on her first birthday.  I dont know what to do.  I dont know if I should lay in bed all day or actually plan a party.  I dont know if I want everyone around or just be alone (with Josh of course).  I just have no clue of what to do.  Any ideas?  I am making a "parent's box" that I will bring to United Hospital, where we had Emma.  We received this box and it was great.  There was a camera in there, baby blanket and outfit, a kit to make Emma's hand/foot prints, a book on what to do after losing your baby, and some other resources.  As much as I didnt want to be getting this box because we had lost Emma, it was nice to have.  You dont go to the hospital prepared to lose your child.  So I decided that although no one wants this box, they need to have one in this situation.  I am slowly adding to it...trying to pretend I still have lots of time. 

Well friends, I am going to finish cleaning and then go to church nursery tonight while J has all the guys here for a bachelor party.  My Favorite Sister in Law, my niece and I are going to hangout after I am done with nursery and watch Twilight-have I not expressed my obsession with Edward Cullen  enjoyment of these books on here??  Maybe I should wait until you know me a little better so you dont think I am a crazy woman who is enthralled with Edward Cullen  has a little crush on Edward...!  Needless to say I am looking forward to that.  Have a great weekend and I promise Ill get better at updating soon!  (Your welcome Destinee!)  

Angie brother has another game today so GOOD LUCK CHRIS/Go Warriors!  And it is my dad's bday today - Love you dad and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Thank you girls

I was so pumped the other night when the doorbell rang - I so knew what was at that door.  My new dress from Forever 21!  I thought I had saved a photo of it but I I will be sure to take one once I find my battery charger for my camera...but just trust me - it is ADORABLE!!! What makes it just more adorable is the fact I bought it for 10.99! What a steal! I normally hate paying for shipping but it was a no brainer here!

A great bonus for this tv season is that I get to watch Dancing with the Stars! I have never watched this show because the hubs forbid it - until Chuck Lidell (J is a ufc fan...ugh!) came on this season! Thank you Chuck! And Hero's also started Monday night which is another great show...did I mention I am a tv junkie??  I am looking forward to all of my shows.  Is anyone else a tv junkie or is it just my horrible addiction?  Biggest loser is one of my favorites, last Tuesday's show they lost over 155 lbs combined - amazing!

In the past couple weeks I have shared with a few more close friends that I have this blog. I dont like people having to worry what they say and how they act around me (although there are a few unamed that really need a clue sometimes :) so I am hesitant on sharing my true thoughts and feelings. I know I know it's not supposed to be that way but it is. I just cant help it. Been that way all my life. However with the wonderful girls I shared it with have been very supportive and just so sweet. So thank you girls, you know who you are and I apprecaite it!  It is so great to have friends!  It is even more wonderful to have friends who I can be my all emotional self with. 

Enjoy the week! 

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Sullivans

I had a blog post all ready for tonight and right before I was about to post it something was telling me not I decided to save it and go through my other "favorite blogs" and of course Kelly's was first and at the end of her post she had a prayer request for the Sullivans.  I immediately went to their site and broke down.  Absolutely in tears.  I am asking you to pray for this family.  I dont have all the details - But Sara and Brady have been married for 5 years, and she had breast cancer while she was pregnant.  She delivered Chloe via emergency c-section around 34 wks this past week and they were finally able to bring her home.  Once she was home she started seizing (Sara) and has since gone to be with Jesus.  I cannot imagine the pain that this family is enduring.  After gone through cancer and a delivery and finally being home to your wife and mother of your baby dying.  Brady has a wonderful heart and loves the Lord and is relying on Him right now which is a blessing.  He has many days ahead and this road will not be easy.  We know that God is with him and hurting as they do yet it just breaks my heart to pieces for someone to have to go through this.  Lord I am crying out to you to be with Brady and Chloe and to comfort them now and in the many days ahead.  Have Sara shine through Chloe and remind Brady of the wonderful times they shared together, along with their sweet baby girl. 

Please, please, please pray for Brady & Chloe as they have to now live without their best friend, wife and mother.  I dont think there is anything else to say other than this family needs our prayers.  Thank you.    

In Him,


Saturday, September 19, 2009


Just wanted to wish my brother good luck today!


Ill give you an update after the game :)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Confession time & Wonderfully, perfect, awesome words to share....

Okay, confession time. 

So my 30 day shred only lasted for about 4 days...then a week off...then 2 days...well you get the picture.  Anyways - I joined Lifetime fitness today and worked out for an hour.  Oh how I missed it!!  I am sore already but I love that feeling, as it means I must have done something!  It works out great because it is close to work so I can go right after and not have to sit in traffic and waste any time!  Sitting in traffic just makes my skin crawl so it is just the best answer!  Oh I love it and cannot wait to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight....well I would love to get lower than that but that will be my next goal.  :) 
next confession - well this isnt really bad but I LOVE FALL!  I love the weather, the colors, wearing sweatshirts and did I mention my shows????  Just the best!  Biggest Loser, the Office, FOOTBALL, grey's (many more but ill spare you) and even a few new shows as well!  So exciting!!  And what is even better about this fall is that my brother is playing college Football, as he was a redshirted freshman last year and now starting this year...he has already had 2 interceptions and 1 touchdown and there has only been 2 games!!!  Can you tell I am a proud big sister??  Ha!   Here is a picture after one of his interceptions - he is #27 :)  I cannot wait to go to his game next weekend and watch him kick butt!  So exciting for sure.  

Okay.  I wanted to have somewhat of an uplifting post, as even though I have been a little emotional and sad in the last couple posts, good things have been happening in my life that make me smile everyday.  As I read Courtney's blog tonight, she said some wonderfully, perfect, awesome words about "accepting" this new life we were given.  When I was reading it I had this calming relief over me and had tears in my eyes (emotional remember?) and I wanted to share...  
I thought I wanted to live in denial forever. I don't. Acceptance is hard and painful at times but it's a forward's moment. Denial is standing still.
I could not have said it better myself.  Wonderful, perfect, awesome words.  Sad words?  Yes.  Frustrating that we even have to say that?  Yes.  But the fact that we can say that now is a blessing right there. 


Sunday, September 13, 2009

Like none other

This past weekend Josh and I headed to Iowa.  Our dearest friends Jon and Katie are just the BEST!  Jon and Josh were roommates in college at Bethel for 3 years.  It is such a bummer that we live 3.5 hours away!  It is just too far, we must change that!  They have a 19 month old daughter, and boy is Hallie just the most adorable and fun little girl!  She was definitely our entertainment for the weekend, that girl has some sass in her step, which I LOVE!  Katie is 6 months pregnant with their 2nd daughter as well, and we cannot wait to meet her in January!  We played many games of Rook and Nerts - ohh the lovely memories of the college days.  We love chatting and hanging out with them.  We always have a blast and are just so sad to leave at the end of the weekend.  We are glad there are a few college friends weddings coming up so we get to hangout soon!  Here is a picture of Hallie, isnt she the sweetest???!!

She is going to be the best big sister!  We love you Hallie!!  Thank you Jon & Katie for a GREAT weekend!  We love and miss you already!! 
I have been kind of emotional the rest of today...the littlest things make me cry.  I dont know my deal....well I could rattle off a couple ideas of course, however I will just stick with the fact that I am emotional.  I have been praying for those on my prayer list, mostly babies and unborn babies.  I have a HUGE heart for them, they just get to me like none other (not that no one or nothing else does, trust me!).  Always have, always will.  I have also been praying so much for Kate McRae.  That girl steals your heart and if you can please pray for her and her family.    I then of course pray for other moms who have lost their babies.  I pray for comfort and peace, especially for those times we just want to crawl into our bed and pull the covers over our heads and cry.  Oh those moments are not fun.  The thoughts are all encompassing and always present in our minds.  I was thinking about everything that has transpired in the last 10 months on our long drive home from Iowa.  It is crazy to think it has been that long, sometimes I feel like it has been 10 years and then the next moment it feels like it was yesterday.  I have never ached or cried this much in my entire life.  I have made some wonderful, amazing friends who have so graciously been there for me and really helped me through this.  I have realized the true meaning of friendship.  I didnt know I could love my baby girl so much, who I just ache to hold.  Oh I could go on for hours but I won't do that.  I am going to pray and go to bed.  Thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life especially for Emma, now that girl gets to me like none other.  Momma loves you Emma.  With all that I have.  
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden in light."  Matthew 11:26.


Sunday, September 6, 2009

Tomorrow right??

I love Sundays when we have Monday off. It is such an exciting thing to me. 3 day weekends and 4 day weeks are just a wonderful way to live life. Obviously I wish I could just be home with Emma but that is not my life. So I am trying to be positive despite my constant emotions trying to bring me down. I was visiting Kelly's blog (weird I know) and she wrote an article on how to go from 2 incomes to 1 here. So I am now a saving machine. Because we dont have any children here with us we might as well save save save before trying again, knowing that I could be out of work if bedrest is needed.

We went to the lake yesterday and although I was trying to get out of it (Josh won out there) we did have fun. I ate way too much and I could just hear Jillian's head shaking at me...starting tomorrow right?

I had church nursery this morning. I enjoy being around them and serving at church. I did leave with a fat lip this morning, which I do not enjoy but it is part being with 20+ 2-3 year olds for an hour. I am going shopping soon (Ill start saving tomorrow right?)...another lovely thing to do on a Sunday when I dont feel like I am wasting my day - as I still have tomorrow to relax! I suppose I can start saving tomorrow right? We also have a couple other things going on today...but hopefully ill get a few pictures to share later...should be interesting!

I hope everyone is able to enjoy this long weekend. My fellow bereaved moms...I am saying an extra prayer for you today, as I know that extra time to think doesn't help the thoughts/emotions wander...thinking and praying for all today.