Monday, October 26, 2009

a wedding and a funeral...

Thank you for your kind words and prayers last week - I truely appreciate them! I would have updated sooner but it has been very busy around here.  Josh's cousin got married this past weekend - and it has been a busy past couple days! 

The wedding was beautiful.  It was alot of fun and always enjoyable getting together with family and friends.  I of course wished I had Emma with us, there were many times during all of the family pictures and discussions that I had to choke back the tears.  These are one of the hardest times - going to a big family event without your child.  To others it might cross their mind - to me and other moms it is there the entire time.  As the bride was walking down the aisle I couldnt help but thinking that I wont ever get to see Emma walk down the aisle.  I think there will always be that pain in my heart - our sweet baby girl will always be missing.  It is hard when you feel like you are the only one thinking about it.  I know others are, I really do.  But it is hard to think like that when hardly anyone has said Emma's name to me in the last however many days, weeks, months.  Of course Josh and I talk about her and my sweet sister in law and a few other friends - but it is a lonely journey all together.  It is an ongoing struggle, let me tell you! 

I am also struggling in the anticipation before my cousins funeral.  I have not yet been to a funeral since I had Emma.  Another "first" that is going to be a trial.  I know God is with me and that is ever so prevelant as I choose to get out of bed each day.  When I just want to cry and He is there to hold back my tears.  I know He will be with us on Thursday and the many days to come.  Please continue to pray for my family - they are (understandably) still having a rough time.  Mike was only 32 years old.  He will be forever loved and missed.  Losing a child is an absolutely horrific experience that is painful, physically & emotionally.  I wish no other parent would ever have to endure this pain. 

Well I am clearly not in a "bright" mood.  I cannot believe that Emma's birthday is coming so soon.  I think I am still bothered by the fact that I dont know what to do.  As I type this tears are running down my face.  I so want to honor my daughter but I dont know what to do.  I wish I could be planning an all out birthday bash.  Not having to think of what I should do.  Ugh.  I have a heavy heart tonight.  Thank you to those very sweet, caring and loving friends of mine who are praying.  I know you are and I can tell.  
To you, Oh Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, oh my God.  Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.   Psalm 25:1-2
I appreciate you more than you will ever know.  Thanks for lifting me up to our God.  I hope everyone has a great Tuesday.  


Thursday, October 22, 2009

Please pray

My mom called me around 1:30 this morning to let me know that my cousin Mike passed away.  He had a severe asthma attack.  He is in his 30's and has an adorable 8 year old daughter Brianna.  My aunt (his mom) is the one who found him not breathing.    

Please pray for my family and that they will feel God's love and comfort surrounding them during this difficult time.  Please pray for Bri especially, as she was with him as well and has lost her daddy.  

I dont have many other details than that - I will update more later.  For those who have graciously prayed for us, I am asking for one more, for my cousin and his family.  Thank you.  I appreciate it so much.    

In Him, 


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Not just one day...

Today is pregnancy and infant loss day.  Many wouldnt know unless they have unfortunately dealt with this loss.  It isnt just one day for us, more or so many long days and nights where we are missing our babies.  It is the night you cant sleep because you are thinking about all of the hopes and dreams you had for your child.  It is when you are at the resturant and it seems that everyone else has a baby.  Or when you are shopping and it seems like every woman who walks past you is 7+ months pregnant.  It is when you come home wishing you could hold your baby.  It is the weekends at church when all the adorable kids are running around and you just want to cry.  It is when your arms physically ache to hold the sweet baby you miss so dearly.  

I am praying for all of you who has lost a child.  I know the pain and how exhausting it is.  I am so thankful to have God by my side.  I dont know how or where I would be without him.   

I am remembering all of the babies that are now healthy and running around in heaven.  I am praying for all of the moms and dads who are missing a part of their family today and every other day.  I am sitting here thinking about Emma who I miss so incredibly much.  I am aching to hold her yet I have to trust God.  I love her more than words can explain and am remembering her today and every other day.  I am also thinking of your sweet babies who I know you love and miss dearly as well.   
 Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I am smiling.

I dreamed about bringing Emma to a pumpkin patch and an apple orchard. I loved going to them when I was younger - even the school trips. Emma would  have been 8-9 months during the "heart of fall" (not in MN of course, as SNOW is predicted in our forecast for this weekend...ICK) if she was born on time. I thought about how fun it would be to go with Jayson, Beth and Hope - what a fun thing to do for cousins and what great pictures as well! I would have been ALL over that for sure. Unfortunately fall has come and almost gone and I am sad.

This past Monday night I came home and saw probably the best thing that I could have this fall. It was a horribly rainy day and I was just looking forward to getting home. As I passed my house (to get the mail) I got the biggest smile on my face as I saw the three pumpkins on my step, with the littlest one that had a pink ribbon and rose attached. As I drove up the driveway and got out, in the pouring rain and tears in my eyes, I was smiling. It was the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful thing someone has done for me in remembering Emma in a long time. I quickly searched to see if there was a note, letter, something that would tell me who left me this awesome gift but to no avail. Just three pumpkins, a big one for Josh, middle one for me and the cutest little one for Emma. Just as I would have bought and put in the same spot. I didnt post this entire week because I wanted to make my next post about these pumpkins. However of course, when I needed it most to capture this - I couldnt find my camera battery charger. So $45 later (dont tell J I spent that much on a charger that I previously had...!) I charged that battery up and took that picture tonight, still with that beaming smile. Now you might not notice two things about this post that are just by the grace of God. 1 - I have one loving person who knows and thinks about Emma like I do who graciously went out of their way to do this for us and 2 - I was smiling through everything. I literally remember smiling when I saw that tiny pumpkin, smiling as I touched that sweet rose. It is amazing to me that almost one year later after losing my sweet baby girl I am smiling about something I dreamed about with Emma. I am smiling with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart, but smiling none the less. Such a wonderful God given thing. A simple smile. A real smile. I didnt have to pretend to be happy, to put on my "im okay" smile, it was my real smile.  This verse in Isaiah just says it all...

  I will lead the blind by the ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.  These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.      Isaiah 42:16

God is bringing us through this unfamiliar path and I can see the flickering light beside me in this darkness.  The more things that come up closer to Emma's birthday and the more emotional I get, He is making it smoother.  He will not forsake us.  I am so unbelievable relieved of that.

Wondering who so graciously & selflessly left the three unmarked pumpkins on our doorstep? I had to figure it out, as it was driving me crazy!  I needed to thank the person who is still making me smile.  Well that would be my awesome, sweet sister in law Bethany, who is always thinking of her niece and myself which I appreciate more than I will ever be able to tell her. Who just recently started the blogging world. Head over to her blog Here and look at my absolutly precious niece, Hope. Or just look below...she just has the most innocent and adorable face - I love it!  She is such a blessing in our lives and I love that she makes me smile. 

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I dont want to go through the motions

Tomorrow is the big Vikings vs Packers game!  If you have been living under a rock If you dont follow NFL Football - Brett Farve is now a Viking and he used to be on the Packers - for many, many years.  And the Packers have always been our rival - so this game is HUGE to say the least!  Many cheeseheads Packer fans have been in town for the weekend since we have the Monday Night Football slot - I so wish we could be going to that game!  Oh well, I marinated chicken tonight so dinner is easy tomorrow and it will just be me and the hubs cheering on our team!  Skol Vikings! 

I hope everyone had a wonderful relaxing weekend.  I enjoyed my girl time and the nursery last night...those babies are oh so sweet!  I also had nursery this morning - and there were about 22 two and three year olds - it was crazy to say the least!  The sermon today was on prayer and it really challenged me.  I pray constantly through the day and also at night but I realized I need to take a specific time EVERY DAY for time with God.  I want to grow closer to Him so my goal this week is to read the bible every day and then just spend time with Him.  No distractions. 
Matthew 6: 5-8 says, And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
 I do get so distracted with the hustle and bustle of life and I dont want to go through the motions.  Okay I might have stole that part from Matthew West as that is my new favorite song these days, you should really go listen to it -The Motions.  I just love that song.  It encourages and challenges me - I love that I feel spoken to through music. 

Well I am going to bed.  I enjoy Sundays but dont like Mondays.  Thankfully we have the big game to look forward to!  Happy Monday and remember not to go through those motions!


Saturday, October 3, 2009

Right around that corner...

I just LOVE fall!  I know I have said this before but I think it really is ultimately my favorite time of year!  I love the leaves changing, the crisp cool weather, hot tea, having the windows open, sweatshirts and sweatpants, long walks at night (or in the morning), football, my many shows, Thanksgiving & then CHRISTMAS!!   

And as much as I love fall, I feel this looming cloud right over my shoulder that is approaching FAST.   November 6th  is right around that corner.  I absolutely cannot believe it will be a year since I had my baby girl.  I did not know how I would be a year away from losing Emma.  I wish I could be planning her first birthday.  Ahhh I long to plan birthday parties.  It's hard that I have to be thinking of what we can do to honor and remember her on her first birthday.  I dont know what to do.  I dont know if I should lay in bed all day or actually plan a party.  I dont know if I want everyone around or just be alone (with Josh of course).  I just have no clue of what to do.  Any ideas?  I am making a "parent's box" that I will bring to United Hospital, where we had Emma.  We received this box and it was great.  There was a camera in there, baby blanket and outfit, a kit to make Emma's hand/foot prints, a book on what to do after losing your baby, and some other resources.  As much as I didnt want to be getting this box because we had lost Emma, it was nice to have.  You dont go to the hospital prepared to lose your child.  So I decided that although no one wants this box, they need to have one in this situation.  I am slowly adding to it...trying to pretend I still have lots of time. 

Well friends, I am going to finish cleaning and then go to church nursery tonight while J has all the guys here for a bachelor party.  My Favorite Sister in Law, my niece and I are going to hangout after I am done with nursery and watch Twilight-have I not expressed my obsession with Edward Cullen  enjoyment of these books on here??  Maybe I should wait until you know me a little better so you dont think I am a crazy woman who is enthralled with Edward Cullen  has a little crush on Edward...!  Needless to say I am looking forward to that.  Have a great weekend and I promise Ill get better at updating soon!  (Your welcome Destinee!)  

Angie brother has another game today so GOOD LUCK CHRIS/Go Warriors!  And it is my dad's bday today - Love you dad and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!