The wedding was beautiful. It was alot of fun and always enjoyable getting together with family and friends. I of course wished I had Emma with us, there were many times during all of the family pictures and discussions that I had to choke back the tears. These are one of the hardest times - going to a big family event without your child. To others it might cross their mind - to me and other moms it is there the entire time. As the bride was walking down the aisle I couldnt help but thinking that I wont ever get to see Emma walk down the aisle. I think there will always be that pain in my heart - our sweet baby girl will always be missing. It is hard when you feel like you are the only one thinking about it. I know others are, I really do. But it is hard to think like that when hardly anyone has said Emma's name to me in the last however many days, weeks, months. Of course Josh and I talk about her and my sweet sister in law and a few other friends - but it is a lonely journey all together. It is an ongoing struggle, let me tell you!
I am also struggling in the anticipation before my cousins funeral. I have not yet been to a funeral since I had Emma. Another "first" that is going to be a trial. I know God is with me and that is ever so prevelant as I choose to get out of bed each day. When I just want to cry and He is there to hold back my tears. I know He will be with us on Thursday and the many days to come. Please continue to pray for my family - they are (understandably) still having a rough time. Mike was only 32 years old. He will be forever loved and missed. Losing a child is an absolutely horrific experience that is painful, physically & emotionally. I wish no other parent would ever have to endure this pain.
Well I am clearly not in a "bright" mood. I cannot believe that Emma's birthday is coming so soon. I think I am still bothered by the fact that I dont know what to do. As I type this tears are running down my face. I so want to honor my daughter but I dont know what to do. I wish I could be planning an all out birthday bash. Not having to think of what I should do. Ugh. I have a heavy heart tonight. Thank you to those very sweet, caring and loving friends of mine who are praying. I know you are and I can tell.
To you, Oh Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, oh my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. Psalm 25:1-2I appreciate you more than you will ever know. Thanks for lifting me up to our God. I hope everyone has a great Tuesday.