Monday, October 26, 2009

a wedding and a funeral...

Thank you for your kind words and prayers last week - I truely appreciate them! I would have updated sooner but it has been very busy around here.  Josh's cousin got married this past weekend - and it has been a busy past couple days! 

The wedding was beautiful.  It was alot of fun and always enjoyable getting together with family and friends.  I of course wished I had Emma with us, there were many times during all of the family pictures and discussions that I had to choke back the tears.  These are one of the hardest times - going to a big family event without your child.  To others it might cross their mind - to me and other moms it is there the entire time.  As the bride was walking down the aisle I couldnt help but thinking that I wont ever get to see Emma walk down the aisle.  I think there will always be that pain in my heart - our sweet baby girl will always be missing.  It is hard when you feel like you are the only one thinking about it.  I know others are, I really do.  But it is hard to think like that when hardly anyone has said Emma's name to me in the last however many days, weeks, months.  Of course Josh and I talk about her and my sweet sister in law and a few other friends - but it is a lonely journey all together.  It is an ongoing struggle, let me tell you! 

I am also struggling in the anticipation before my cousins funeral.  I have not yet been to a funeral since I had Emma.  Another "first" that is going to be a trial.  I know God is with me and that is ever so prevelant as I choose to get out of bed each day.  When I just want to cry and He is there to hold back my tears.  I know He will be with us on Thursday and the many days to come.  Please continue to pray for my family - they are (understandably) still having a rough time.  Mike was only 32 years old.  He will be forever loved and missed.  Losing a child is an absolutely horrific experience that is painful, physically & emotionally.  I wish no other parent would ever have to endure this pain. 

Well I am clearly not in a "bright" mood.  I cannot believe that Emma's birthday is coming so soon.  I think I am still bothered by the fact that I dont know what to do.  As I type this tears are running down my face.  I so want to honor my daughter but I dont know what to do.  I wish I could be planning an all out birthday bash.  Not having to think of what I should do.  Ugh.  I have a heavy heart tonight.  Thank you to those very sweet, caring and loving friends of mine who are praying.  I know you are and I can tell.  
To you, Oh Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, oh my God.  Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.   Psalm 25:1-2
I appreciate you more than you will ever know.  Thanks for lifting me up to our God.  I hope everyone has a great Tuesday.  



  1. girl, i'm right there with you. The wedding feelings..i felt so selfish going to a wedding and sitting there crying as the bride walked down the aisle..along with everyone else crying but my tears were for MY PAIN and not for her or their joy and celebration and beauty. It's an awful place to be. I felt crazy. I felt angry. I remember feeling more like "oh i remember our wedding day and the incredible pain that we knew nothing about. What a great time in our lives to live like we had no idea what was coming. wish we could be back THERE again. how nice for you." ugh. horrible. completely NORMAL in the pain, but ugh.

    We just had our 1st year anniversary, too. And as it lingered overhead, those days sucked! It would hit me like it was a year ago and i would think "this is crazy! why do i feel like i've just taken a huge step backwards?" Fortunately, we were able to go to a balloon release that was conveniently scheduled the day after her 2 bdays and it was thru our support group. It felt like everyone was there for us. But it was a neat connection. I don't think i'll ever see a balloon go up in the sky without thinking of my girl. my best friend from childhood went to the funeral home that paid for all of her ashley's expenses on her birthday, and brought them breakfast. it was a way for her to connect to her daughter, help others to remember her too, and to thank them for the gift they gave her and her family. Just some ideas. I don't know if they can apply but i didn't want you to feel you were alone out there! We are in this together! Emma is not forgotten. muah.

  2. Angie...I'm sorry I've been behind on reading your blog. I was so sad to read about your cousin passing away. I will definitely be saying a prayer for your family and you and Josh as you approach Emma's birthday.

    I really like the idea that Christina mentioned about doing a balloon release on Emma's birthday.

    Hope today is better for you. I will be thinking about you!

  3. I know...I totally know!

    As far as Emma's birthday goes, I'll tell you what we did for Nate's. We decided to go to Disneyland (what we do on Everyone's birthday) instead of the cemetary (I hate that place). Nate has a brick at Disneyland with his name and birthdate on it. We let the kids write notes to him and then attached them to Disney balloons. We all stood on his brick out in front of Disneyland and sang happy birthday and said a prayer. Then we let the balloons and wishes float away. After, we went out to dinner and asked the server to bring a birthday dessert to honor our son. We quietly sang Happy Birthday again at our table. It was fun and somber at the same time. I was glad that we didn't just pass the day by and we celebrated his birth just as we do for our other kids. I think that we'll continue that tradition.

    I will tell you that it was a huge relief when it was over. The days leading up to it were filled with anxiety.


  4. I dreaded my daughter's 1st birthday when it approached. However, my husband and I planned ahead to go out of town and enjoy each other. We went to the cemetary first, with some special birthday flowers, then headed out of town for dinner, movies and shopping. I highly recommend doind something- not that you are remembering- for me if I had stayed home I would have been in here room in tears the entire weekend. I am sure you can come up with something special to honor Emma on her birthday!!


Thanks so much for your sweet comments!