Sunday, September 27, 2009

Thank you girls

I was so pumped the other night when the doorbell rang - I so knew what was at that door.  My new dress from Forever 21!  I thought I had saved a photo of it but I I will be sure to take one once I find my battery charger for my camera...but just trust me - it is ADORABLE!!! What makes it just more adorable is the fact I bought it for 10.99! What a steal! I normally hate paying for shipping but it was a no brainer here!

A great bonus for this tv season is that I get to watch Dancing with the Stars! I have never watched this show because the hubs forbid it - until Chuck Lidell (J is a ufc fan...ugh!) came on this season! Thank you Chuck! And Hero's also started Monday night which is another great show...did I mention I am a tv junkie??  I am looking forward to all of my shows.  Is anyone else a tv junkie or is it just my horrible addiction?  Biggest loser is one of my favorites, last Tuesday's show they lost over 155 lbs combined - amazing!

In the past couple weeks I have shared with a few more close friends that I have this blog. I dont like people having to worry what they say and how they act around me (although there are a few unamed that really need a clue sometimes :) so I am hesitant on sharing my true thoughts and feelings. I know I know it's not supposed to be that way but it is. I just cant help it. Been that way all my life. However with the wonderful girls I shared it with have been very supportive and just so sweet. So thank you girls, you know who you are and I apprecaite it!  It is so great to have friends!  It is even more wonderful to have friends who I can be my all emotional self with. 

Enjoy the week! 

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Sullivans

I had a blog post all ready for tonight and right before I was about to post it something was telling me not I decided to save it and go through my other "favorite blogs" and of course Kelly's was first and at the end of her post she had a prayer request for the Sullivans.  I immediately went to their site and broke down.  Absolutely in tears.  I am asking you to pray for this family.  I dont have all the details - But Sara and Brady have been married for 5 years, and she had breast cancer while she was pregnant.  She delivered Chloe via emergency c-section around 34 wks this past week and they were finally able to bring her home.  Once she was home she started seizing (Sara) and has since gone to be with Jesus.  I cannot imagine the pain that this family is enduring.  After gone through cancer and a delivery and finally being home to your wife and mother of your baby dying.  Brady has a wonderful heart and loves the Lord and is relying on Him right now which is a blessing.  He has many days ahead and this road will not be easy.  We know that God is with him and hurting as they do yet it just breaks my heart to pieces for someone to have to go through this.  Lord I am crying out to you to be with Brady and Chloe and to comfort them now and in the many days ahead.  Have Sara shine through Chloe and remind Brady of the wonderful times they shared together, along with their sweet baby girl. 

Please, please, please pray for Brady & Chloe as they have to now live without their best friend, wife and mother.  I dont think there is anything else to say other than this family needs our prayers.  Thank you.    

In Him,


Saturday, September 19, 2009


Just wanted to wish my brother good luck today!


Ill give you an update after the game :)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Confession time & Wonderfully, perfect, awesome words to share....

Okay, confession time. 

So my 30 day shred only lasted for about 4 days...then a week off...then 2 days...well you get the picture.  Anyways - I joined Lifetime fitness today and worked out for an hour.  Oh how I missed it!!  I am sore already but I love that feeling, as it means I must have done something!  It works out great because it is close to work so I can go right after and not have to sit in traffic and waste any time!  Sitting in traffic just makes my skin crawl so it is just the best answer!  Oh I love it and cannot wait to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight....well I would love to get lower than that but that will be my next goal.  :) 
next confession - well this isnt really bad but I LOVE FALL!  I love the weather, the colors, wearing sweatshirts and did I mention my shows????  Just the best!  Biggest Loser, the Office, FOOTBALL, grey's (many more but ill spare you) and even a few new shows as well!  So exciting!!  And what is even better about this fall is that my brother is playing college Football, as he was a redshirted freshman last year and now starting this year...he has already had 2 interceptions and 1 touchdown and there has only been 2 games!!!  Can you tell I am a proud big sister??  Ha!   Here is a picture after one of his interceptions - he is #27 :)  I cannot wait to go to his game next weekend and watch him kick butt!  So exciting for sure.  

Okay.  I wanted to have somewhat of an uplifting post, as even though I have been a little emotional and sad in the last couple posts, good things have been happening in my life that make me smile everyday.  As I read Courtney's blog tonight, she said some wonderfully, perfect, awesome words about "accepting" this new life we were given.  When I was reading it I had this calming relief over me and had tears in my eyes (emotional remember?) and I wanted to share...  
I thought I wanted to live in denial forever. I don't. Acceptance is hard and painful at times but it's a forward's moment. Denial is standing still.
I could not have said it better myself.  Wonderful, perfect, awesome words.  Sad words?  Yes.  Frustrating that we even have to say that?  Yes.  But the fact that we can say that now is a blessing right there. 


Sunday, September 13, 2009

Like none other

This past weekend Josh and I headed to Iowa.  Our dearest friends Jon and Katie are just the BEST!  Jon and Josh were roommates in college at Bethel for 3 years.  It is such a bummer that we live 3.5 hours away!  It is just too far, we must change that!  They have a 19 month old daughter, and boy is Hallie just the most adorable and fun little girl!  She was definitely our entertainment for the weekend, that girl has some sass in her step, which I LOVE!  Katie is 6 months pregnant with their 2nd daughter as well, and we cannot wait to meet her in January!  We played many games of Rook and Nerts - ohh the lovely memories of the college days.  We love chatting and hanging out with them.  We always have a blast and are just so sad to leave at the end of the weekend.  We are glad there are a few college friends weddings coming up so we get to hangout soon!  Here is a picture of Hallie, isnt she the sweetest???!!

She is going to be the best big sister!  We love you Hallie!!  Thank you Jon & Katie for a GREAT weekend!  We love and miss you already!! 
I have been kind of emotional the rest of today...the littlest things make me cry.  I dont know my deal....well I could rattle off a couple ideas of course, however I will just stick with the fact that I am emotional.  I have been praying for those on my prayer list, mostly babies and unborn babies.  I have a HUGE heart for them, they just get to me like none other (not that no one or nothing else does, trust me!).  Always have, always will.  I have also been praying so much for Kate McRae.  That girl steals your heart and if you can please pray for her and her family.    I then of course pray for other moms who have lost their babies.  I pray for comfort and peace, especially for those times we just want to crawl into our bed and pull the covers over our heads and cry.  Oh those moments are not fun.  The thoughts are all encompassing and always present in our minds.  I was thinking about everything that has transpired in the last 10 months on our long drive home from Iowa.  It is crazy to think it has been that long, sometimes I feel like it has been 10 years and then the next moment it feels like it was yesterday.  I have never ached or cried this much in my entire life.  I have made some wonderful, amazing friends who have so graciously been there for me and really helped me through this.  I have realized the true meaning of friendship.  I didnt know I could love my baby girl so much, who I just ache to hold.  Oh I could go on for hours but I won't do that.  I am going to pray and go to bed.  Thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life especially for Emma, now that girl gets to me like none other.  Momma loves you Emma.  With all that I have.  
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden in light."  Matthew 11:26.


Sunday, September 6, 2009

Tomorrow right??

I love Sundays when we have Monday off. It is such an exciting thing to me. 3 day weekends and 4 day weeks are just a wonderful way to live life. Obviously I wish I could just be home with Emma but that is not my life. So I am trying to be positive despite my constant emotions trying to bring me down. I was visiting Kelly's blog (weird I know) and she wrote an article on how to go from 2 incomes to 1 here. So I am now a saving machine. Because we dont have any children here with us we might as well save save save before trying again, knowing that I could be out of work if bedrest is needed.

We went to the lake yesterday and although I was trying to get out of it (Josh won out there) we did have fun. I ate way too much and I could just hear Jillian's head shaking at me...starting tomorrow right?

I had church nursery this morning. I enjoy being around them and serving at church. I did leave with a fat lip this morning, which I do not enjoy but it is part being with 20+ 2-3 year olds for an hour. I am going shopping soon (Ill start saving tomorrow right?)...another lovely thing to do on a Sunday when I dont feel like I am wasting my day - as I still have tomorrow to relax! I suppose I can start saving tomorrow right? We also have a couple other things going on today...but hopefully ill get a few pictures to share later...should be interesting!

I hope everyone is able to enjoy this long weekend. My fellow bereaved moms...I am saying an extra prayer for you today, as I know that extra time to think doesn't help the thoughts/emotions wander...thinking and praying for all today.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Emma 11-6-08

I really don't know how to start this. I don't know how to write "Emma's story" or even "My Story". It is sad to me that I have to write her story, as her story should be "Emma rolled over today or Emma is a GREAT napper and a GREAT sleeper (okay that is my dream - for any child of mine!). Yet I am stuck writing this. About my sweet baby girl that is no longer with us. This is all from my memory, which is not the changes are bound to happen (just fyi).

On November 6th, 2008, Our lives changed forever. We found out we were pregnant at the end of June, 2008. For the first 3 months of pregnancy it was a breeze. I had morning sickness off and on, as long as I ate often I felt pretty good. When I was 15 weeks pregnant I went into my ob, who said I had an infection that was common in pregnancy, and I was also dilated about 1 cm. I was sent home with medication and was told to come back a week later. My Sister in Law brought me to my next appt and I was told that my infection was gone yet I was still dilated. So they did an ultrasound, baby looked great but my cervix looked a little short. So bed rest for the weekend and then I was sent to a perinatologist, a high risk pregnancy specialist. They took their measurements and said it looked good and all of that worry and stress was due to an inexperienced ultrasound tech...I calmed down (as I was completely freaked that entire time) but wasn't completely convinced. One morning when I was student teaching I ended up going to the doctor because I was bleeding. In any pregnancy, when you see that it can’t be good (from my experience). Josh was of course out of town for work so I called his grandma and asked if she would go with me. I was about 17.5 weeks then and was a little worried, but like my previous things that came up, they were noted and taken care of right away. I was brought right in and another ultrasound was done. I was told was something that I could have never expected. The doctor that I saw said there was low amniotic fluid around the baby and that could be because of 2 things – either the baby could have a fatal kidney dysfunction or my water broke. He looked at the ultrasound pictures and determined that he thought it was that my bag of waters broke. He said that he was really sorry, and then told me that I was miscarrying, and would deliver within the week. Bed rest was the only option. Oh the joy began. I could get up and go to the bathroom and shower 2 times a week. I was told that viability was 23 weeks, and that became our goal like none other. 23 weeks was what I wanted SO bad, now Josh and I look back and think how naive we were then. I didn't think about any of that however, all I thought about was getting to that point. Josh's cousin from California graciously flew in to help. She was so nice and was such a help! We wouldn't have made it without her! I had ultrasounds, appts, and more ultrasounds for another 5 1/2 wks. I was terrified every time we went in, I would be holding back tears praying so hard there was still a heartbeat. I would have tears in my eyes when I would see her kicking and when they said how strong she was. Every single time. I never took that for granted. On Sunday evening (November 2nd), I called the on call doctor because I was bleeding again. We went to United/Children's Hospital - and I am so glad Josh was there with me. I had a small placental tear and they did yet another ultrasound. Emma had a strong heartbeat and was kicking away. I was worried yet also encouraged. At EVERY single appointment I had, my doctor’s raved on how Emma had a strong heartbeat and was on the move, well kicking and trying to move because it was difficult to move when there wasn’t much fluid (my AFI was never over 3, which is VERY low). They wanted to keep me overnight and would discuss options in the morning. I was told that I was going to be admitted on Friday and would stay there the remainder of my pregnancy. I’m not going to lie, I was terrified. I was so thankful that they were finally going to do all they could to help us, and that we were on our way to a long hospital stay. When I got home I cried and cried, I couldn't believe that I would have to be in the hospital for that long, many nights without Josh and so much uncertainty. I still feel guilty for acting so selfish, and I have really struggled with that. You would not believe how many days, weeks, months on end I have wished I was still lying in a hospital bed. I was discharged Monday around noon, set to come back that Friday.

On Wednesday night I started having lower back contractions. I was told since my water broke that I could have them at any time, for any length. So I tried to go to bed and sleep. I would sleep a couple hours, wake up and be up for a bit and then fall back asleep. That continued about every 3-4 hours. It was a little better when Josh got up for work, so I continued to try and sleep. Thursday was my day of packing and my shower day, as I was going to have even more limited showers when I was admitted to the hospital. I woke up around 10:30 and was in pain. One of my dear friends Katie called me, and I explained that I thought I was having contractions/in labor and needed to call Bethany to bring me in. She talked to me for a bit to try and distract me, but to no avail. I said needed to call Beth. I called Bethany at about 11:15 (I think) and thankfully J (Beth's hubby, Josh's brother) was home. I don't know if we would have made it to United without him. Either of them. They picked me up at about 11:30, and the usual 35-40 minute drive took us about 25 minutes... In that 25 minutes my contractions were getting closer and closer and I was in SO much pain. As soon as one contraction would subside another would start again. We arrived at United/Children's hospital (where I was on Sunday and going to be admitted) and I was immediately taken back to L&D and they were going to try and "check me" and well needless to say I was fully dilated and they wheeled me down the hall. I don't remember all the details here, other than there was about 20 people in the room, some for me but most for Emma. I heard them call the NICU team and though I was terrified that I was actually delivering her, I was glad they were there and that we were there...I delivered Emma at 12:15pm. (There was not much time in between when we arrived and when I delivered, God was working on our side there, as it would NOT have been good to deliver in their car...not at all!) The NICU team immediately took her and put the tube down her throat. One of the most vivid memories of mine that I still constantly replay is when they turned around towards me after they picked her up off the table and said "we are so sorry, we did all we could but her lungs are just too small". I broke down. I was shaking and bawling. Thankfully Bethany was right there calming me down (Josh was still driving to United as everything happened so quickly).

As soon as they put her in my arms I was instantly calmed. Her heartbeat was strong but there was nothing they could do. Emma was 1.1 lbs and 13 inches long. She was so tiny, just a little peanut. I held her most of the day, as family came in and out. We had many family members come which was so great. I appreciated it so much, I don't think I said much, but I was so glad they were there and able to see and experience Emma. J & Beth called the funeral home and dealt with all of that, which I am so appreciative of, as I couldn't even think straight. How do you proceed once you just delivered your daughter and can't take her home? I remember the nurses wanting to take pictures, I was so appalled. Why would I want to document this? Why would I want pictures of my baby that died? All I can say is Thank You. Thank you for my wonderful nurses who took the pictures of Emma, along with her hand prints and footprints. I love looking at them and am so grateful for them. I was grateful for them the minute I left the hospital. I cannot imagine not having them. The nurses/peri that I had were wonderful. I am so thankful for them! Emma was with us for 3 short hours before she went to be with Jesus. We stayed at the hospital and I held her until the funeral home came. It killed me to leave that hospital without Emma in my arms. I should not have had to leave without my baby. But I did, and she baby is in the arms of Jesus, safe from any harm. I was pretty much in shock the whole day (especially after I was given some pain meds) and don't remember showing much emotion. I couldn't. Looking back now, I totally think it was the shock, our new reality hadn't set in. Oh boy did it ever about a 24 hrs later, but that is another post, for another day.

Whew. Don't know if you wanted that detailed of a story. I'm exhausted from writing this, and it took me oh about 3 weeks :) Thanks for reading all of that, if you did I am impressed! I seem to go on and on about Emma! That wonderful, sweet, perfect baby girl of mine has changed my life in SO many ways and I am so grateful for our time with her. I miss her more than the words can say. I love you Emma. Love, Mommy.

Isn't she the cutest little thing???! I think so, however I do know I am partial...