Monday, December 28, 2009

One Lucky Girl

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Ours was filled with so much food and family, how wonderful!! I unfortunately woke up sick on Christmas morning so I was unable to spend it with my family. I either had food poisioning or a really horrible flu. I am so glad to be done with that!! It lasted all day and then I was fine. Really weird. Thankfully I was feeling better on Christmas night and Bethany and I were raring to go for the after Christmas salesat Target, Patina & Gap. My 3 favorite stores. Ever. It was fun & I so enjoy the times we spend together! Thanks Beth :) I always spend too much money but always have tons of fun!!

I prayed many times for other moms who were missing their babies this Christmas holiday.  It isnt easy seeing everyone with their children, in their adorable outfits wishing your child could be with them. I thought of miss Emma so much, how old she would have been, what outfit I would be dressing her in, how much fun it would be to see her opening her gifts at the family events and at our house Christmas morning.  Everytime I had those thoughts, I prayed for God to get me through the night at least until I got home.  If that was too much it would be until I got out the door.  And honestly, some were just until I could sneak into the other room...and yes I did have to do that.  But I made it through, with a smile on my face.  I reminded myself that my sweet Emma was celebrating Christmas in Heaven, what an amazing time that was. She was with Jesus as they celebrated His birthday.  She is one lucky girl uh??!! 

I did enjoy seeing this sweet face this past week - I love my little Hopers so much and she is just so fun to be around!!  Isnt she so stinkin cute?   

Well this Vikings game is not fun.  They better turn it around ASAP.  Pathetic!  Maybe I am bad luck so I am going to work on cleaning the "guest room".  It has become a disaster zone and I started to tackle that yesterday morning. Josh's California family is coming and one of his cousin's is going to stay with us. I doubt he wants to sleep in mounds of Christmas bows and baby clothes.  

Oh one more thing...Hey Bethany!!!...Want to go see New Moon again?  I need to "check out" like we always say ;)  Ha! 


Monday, December 21, 2009

Happy 2nd Anniversary!!

2 years ago today I married my husband.  I dont know where I would be today without Josh.  I have known him for over 8 years.  Where does the time go?  I feel like it was yesterday that we were trying to rush out of our highschool classes to meet by the locker bays :)  Ha!  I couldnt drive when we met...didnt even have my permit!  We have been through so much in the last 8 years and even more in the past 2.  I wouldnt want to go through anything without Joshua and I am so glad he "gets" me and loves all of me...even my over emotional self!  Which has definitely been most of my self this past year. 

Here is a couple of pictures that I have on this computer...I have THOUSANDS more but ill just leave you a couple. 

My graduation party

On the Colorado River!  That was a great vacation!!

Hanging out at Jayson & Bethany's house

Lighting our unity candle

Leaving the wedding!  I was thrilled! 

At our reception - I was SO tired but it was such a wonderful day and night.  We definitely had a party!  Here are some other posts & pictures from our wedding Here & HereHere

I think this is one of the 3 times in my life that we have danced together (2 were at the wedding) - so I was so happy!    

Here is Joshua holding our daughter.  In the first year of marriage we found out we were pregnant and had our daughter within that same year.  Then the next year was dealing with the loss of our daughter.  Boy I feel like we can make it through anything.  It isnt easy to deal with the loss of a child.  Josh has been my rock through all of this and I am so thankful to be able to be his wife. 

I love you Joshua!  Happy 2nd Anniversary!  I cant wait to spend the rest of my life with you and make many more memories. 



Thursday, December 10, 2009

Exhausted or not

I was the only one in the office today and the only one in there tomorrow. My boss took my co-workers and their spouses to his home in Florida for 4 days for our Christmas party. I was bummed I couldnt go on the Florida trip, but due to my medical anomolies I was unable to travel. Since I couldnt go, I was going to be "positive" anyways. Well I was "glad" that I would have 2 days to get work done with minimal interuptions & hopefully get caught up on alot of things. Well let me tell you, with things consuming your mind such as thisthis I can tell you one thing - being alone all day is NOT a good thing. My mind started to wander and I think I was crying by 10 am. I am missing my sweet girl this Christmas season. I am one emotional wreck (when I am alone...). Then having this miscarriage has made it a little more difficult to suffocate my feelings or suffice them for the work day. I honestly dont know where the day went, and dont know if I got anything done. So I decided to leave at 4:20 to try and beat some of the traffic and boy...It was absolutely horrible. Words cannot even describe. I thought being alone at work was difficult...try being alone in a car hardly MOVING. Thankfully I was able to BLAST the radio and try to tune out the rest of my mind that wouldn't stop going.  It helped a little, but only until the multiple commercials came on and all of the sad songs.  
Ugh.  Been a rough night.  I love the holiday season, but sometimes (okay, many times) it does bring back some difficult memories & heartache.  I long to hold Emma right now, I would be snuggling up with her and enjoying ever second of it, exhausted or not.   

I feel like I always put this picture up - but I just love it.  She looks oh so sweet & peaceful.  I would give anything to snuggle her up & kiss that sweet nose right about now....

Be strong & courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake youDeuteronomy 31:6


Sunday, December 6, 2009

I cannot wait for that day

Can you believe it is December??!!  I cannot believe where this time has gone.  I love Christmas time and everything around the holiday season.  I was so happy to come home this past week to read all of the  December posts and look at the festive Christmas decorations.  So fun!  I changed my background to get in the spirit - and my next "to do" is to add some Christmas music to my playlist!  I will have a festive blog then!  I have been listening to Christmas music since before November 1st (and admittedly the New Moon Soundtrack as well) and I just love it. 

I would be lying if the holidays are just all happy and I love them all the time.  It should have been Emma's first Christmas.  It is hard to go to all of the family things without her and to act like we are healed and "better".  Oh how I would love sharing in this wonderful season with her.  I am doing well for the most part - but it is still difficult.  Last year at this time was extremely difficult and I am grateful to be past the rawness of that pain.  But all of those memories and dreams are still in my head and I still have my moments.  And of course, nothing could bring back those hurtful & heartbreaking feelings like what I am about to share with you...(and if you know me in real life please dont share with others - as I havent brought all my family up to speed on everything mainly because I dont want to worry them...thank you)- but I feel like I can share & it will explain while I have been so unexplainably (sp/word??) absent in blogging land.  Ill start off by saying this.  I am sad. angry. hurt. tired. overwhelmed. terrified. frustrated. hopeful.  It is amazing to me that I can even say that last word but I am being completely honest.  Ill try to explain all - please bear with me....     

On Monday November 17th I decided to take one of these...

and I got this...

and I was a little surprised so I took 2 more...

and then 2 more of a different brand just in case...

So yes in total I took 5 pregnancy tests.  Crazy?  Maybe.  Scary?  Inevitable when you have lost a child.  Exciting?  Of course.  And they all said the same thing, actually they practically screamed pregnant!  Well like I said, I was a little surprised - but excited nonetheless.  Then in rare form - the journey began.  Once again.  I didnt know my exact "dates" ill say, so I called my dr and was told to come in for an ultrasound and beta testing to see what we could figure out.  I had the ultrasound the day before Thanksgiving and The past 2+ weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions...

I went in for an ultrasound so they could do measurements of my cervix & determine dates, etc & found out 4 different things. Ill spare you all the details - but basically the pregnancy is not viable.  It has been a waiting game since that first u/s and I am just sick of it.  I had more tests & another u/s on Friday - and they said the same thing.  It has been a long weekend and the worst part is we still dont know exactly what is going on and our next steps.  I am hoping to find out a little more today.

I am hopeful.  I know that is because of the family & friends that are praying for me right now & because I am still trusting Him.  Dont get me wrong - I shared above my WIDE range of emotions that I have/had over the past 2+ weeks and they are anything but hopeful.  I have not felt hopeful this entire time.  But I do now.  Not with this pregnancy (because it has already been determined) but with a future one.  My lifelong dream is to be a mom.  I am a momma to Emma, my sweet first born, yet I dont get to have her here with me.  I know it will happen though & I cannot wait for that day.     

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run & not grow weary; they will walk & not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31