Sunday, December 6, 2009

I cannot wait for that day

Can you believe it is December??!!  I cannot believe where this time has gone.  I love Christmas time and everything around the holiday season.  I was so happy to come home this past week to read all of the  December posts and look at the festive Christmas decorations.  So fun!  I changed my background to get in the spirit - and my next "to do" is to add some Christmas music to my playlist!  I will have a festive blog then!  I have been listening to Christmas music since before November 1st (and admittedly the New Moon Soundtrack as well) and I just love it. 

I would be lying if the holidays are just all happy and I love them all the time.  It should have been Emma's first Christmas.  It is hard to go to all of the family things without her and to act like we are healed and "better".  Oh how I would love sharing in this wonderful season with her.  I am doing well for the most part - but it is still difficult.  Last year at this time was extremely difficult and I am grateful to be past the rawness of that pain.  But all of those memories and dreams are still in my head and I still have my moments.  And of course, nothing could bring back those hurtful & heartbreaking feelings like what I am about to share with you...(and if you know me in real life please dont share with others - as I havent brought all my family up to speed on everything mainly because I dont want to worry them...thank you)- but I feel like I can share & it will explain while I have been so unexplainably (sp/word??) absent in blogging land.  Ill start off by saying this.  I am sad. angry. hurt. tired. overwhelmed. terrified. frustrated. hopeful.  It is amazing to me that I can even say that last word but I am being completely honest.  Ill try to explain all - please bear with me....     

On Monday November 17th I decided to take one of these...

and I got this...

and I was a little surprised so I took 2 more...

and then 2 more of a different brand just in case...

So yes in total I took 5 pregnancy tests.  Crazy?  Maybe.  Scary?  Inevitable when you have lost a child.  Exciting?  Of course.  And they all said the same thing, actually they practically screamed pregnant!  Well like I said, I was a little surprised - but excited nonetheless.  Then in rare form - the journey began.  Once again.  I didnt know my exact "dates" ill say, so I called my dr and was told to come in for an ultrasound and beta testing to see what we could figure out.  I had the ultrasound the day before Thanksgiving and The past 2+ weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions...

I went in for an ultrasound so they could do measurements of my cervix & determine dates, etc & found out 4 different things. Ill spare you all the details - but basically the pregnancy is not viable.  It has been a waiting game since that first u/s and I am just sick of it.  I had more tests & another u/s on Friday - and they said the same thing.  It has been a long weekend and the worst part is we still dont know exactly what is going on and our next steps.  I am hoping to find out a little more today.

I am hopeful.  I know that is because of the family & friends that are praying for me right now & because I am still trusting Him.  Dont get me wrong - I shared above my WIDE range of emotions that I have/had over the past 2+ weeks and they are anything but hopeful.  I have not felt hopeful this entire time.  But I do now.  Not with this pregnancy (because it has already been determined) but with a future one.  My lifelong dream is to be a mom.  I am a momma to Emma, my sweet first born, yet I dont get to have her here with me.  I know it will happen though & I cannot wait for that day.     

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run & not grow weary; they will walk & not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31



  1. Angie-

    I'm so sorry that you have to walk yet another difficult path. You deserve to have your lifelong dream fulfilled. Though you are already a mom you deserve to be able to mother a child here on earth. Please let me know how I can help you. Until then, I will pray.

    Love ya!!!!!


  2. Baby dust must be in the air! I see so many people getting preggo! Congrats!

    Keeping you and your family in my prayers throughout this difficult holiday season.

  3. Angie,
    I wanted to thank you for blessing me and touching my heart tonight. I found your blog (who knows how anymore - the web of babyloss blogs!) after we lost our 8 month old baby girl. I was reading your post tonight and saw the + pregnancy test before I had read the words. I admit my first reaction was a bittersweet mix - of happiness as I know how much your long for a baby (because no matter how you slice it, those of us who lose our first face a unique pain of grieving our babies and grieving motherhood in a way). But I also felt jealousy. It seems that I am reading so many babylost moms lately who are now pregnant. It's so hard because I am happy for them, yet I feel jealous because I can't join them. So as I read on, I immediately felt so sad for you - hurting alongside you. I am sorry for those feelings of jealousy. I hurt with you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. Angie ~ I wish I could give you the biggest hug ever right now. I am so so sorry you have had to go through this after everything you have already been through. I am sad for you, but I will also HOPE with you and for you, too, until you hold your third baby in your arms.

  5. Oh Ang...the tears flow as I read this. I am glad you are still holding on to are strong as I don't know if I could. I will continue to be praying for you...I will pray for answers too. Love you and praying for you!

  6. That’s really cool! It’s a wonderful gift you’re able to give them.


Thanks so much for your sweet comments!