Sister (in law)

I haven't really shared with anyone that I have this blog. This past weekend in Cali I told my sister (in law- but really a wonderful sister) and she read what I have written. My SIL and BIL were the ones who drove me to the hospital when I had Emma. Thank goodness both of them (happened) to be home. I don’t know how we would have made it otherwise- My BIL was driving and trying to coach my breathing as my sister in law held my hand and talked with the nurse preparing them to our arrival. It (normally) takes about 35-40 minutes to get to Children’s and it took us about 20-25 minutes which was a miracle especially since I delivered about 15 minutes after getting there. Bethany was by my side all through my contractions and delivery. I wouldn't have made it without her. She made sure the NICU team did everything they could, talked to Josh and they both (Jayson and Beth) talked with the funeral home for us as well. At such an overwhelming emotional time they were there. We emailed, talked, texted, and everything in between after we lost Emma. They hungout with us, cried with us, and were just there. We cried this weekend in California as she re-read my thoughts and feelings. We talked about Emma with Josh and her hubby too- It was wonderful. I enjoyed every second of it. Of course I cried but it was refreshing in a sense. Others are afraid to talk to you because they are afraid you are going to cry. They dont want to make you "sad". If they only knew you are crying inside and sad alot of the time. If they only knew you enjoy hearing your child's name and want to talk about them rather than pretending this tragedy never happened. If people only knew how to act around someone who loses a child...here comes those "if's" again...ill stop.

I am so glad my BIL/SIL are not like that. They are awesome. Oh did I mention they have a 7 month old baby girl? Yes my adorable niece was born 6 days after we had Emma. They are so understanding with everything which is such a blessing to us. It is hard to be around Hope sometimes, wishing Emma was there and thinking of all the fun things they were going to do together. Bethany and I had so many plans- fun play dates, walks, matching dresses and everything else that goes into little girls lives. We wont have that and it hurts. It stings when you see other cousins/friends together, wondering how they would be together and if they would grow up to be great, close friends. I am not only sad about Emma, I am sad for Hope. She should have had a fun and crazy cousin that she could talk to about anything. I know she will find someone else but it should (/could) have been Emma.

California was good. Yes there were many times I thought of Emma, especially being at the wedding. I am sad to be home, still wishing that I was there in the sun relaxing :) I did enjoy relaxing Sunday and Monday and am glad I had that time there. Especially that time with Bethany- I feel closer to them everytime we talk about Emma and I love it. So Bethany if you are reading this Thank you. Thanks for all you did that day and beyond, and this past weekend as well too. I really appreciate you and love you dearly. I love being an auntie to that sweet little girl of yours and hope we can hangout/chat soon.

Apparently not tired or at least back on MN time, which really stinks as I have to be up in about 5 hours! Goodnight (hopefully)!!