Like none other

This past weekend Josh and I headed to Iowa.  Our dearest friends Jon and Katie are just the BEST!  Jon and Josh were roommates in college at Bethel for 3 years.  It is such a bummer that we live 3.5 hours away!  It is just too far, we must change that!  They have a 19 month old daughter, and boy is Hallie just the most adorable and fun little girl!  She was definitely our entertainment for the weekend, that girl has some sass in her step, which I LOVE!  Katie is 6 months pregnant with their 2nd daughter as well, and we cannot wait to meet her in January!  We played many games of Rook and Nerts - ohh the lovely memories of the college days.  We love chatting and hanging out with them.  We always have a blast and are just so sad to leave at the end of the weekend.  We are glad there are a few college friends weddings coming up so we get to hangout soon!  Here is a picture of Hallie, isnt she the sweetest???!!

She is going to be the best big sister!  We love you Hallie!!  Thank you Jon & Katie for a GREAT weekend!  We love and miss you already!! 

I have been kind of emotional the rest of today...the littlest things make me cry.  I dont know my deal....well I could rattle off a couple ideas of course, however I will just stick with the fact that I am emotional.  I have been praying for those on my prayer list, mostly babies and unborn babies.  I have a HUGE heart for them, they just get to me like none other (not that no one or nothing else does, trust me!).  Always have, always will.  I have also been praying so much for Kate McRae.  That girl steals your heart and if you can please pray for her and her family.    I then of course pray for other moms who have lost their babies.  I pray for comfort and peace, especially for those times we just want to crawl into our bed and pull the covers over our heads and cry.  Oh those moments are not fun.  The thoughts are all encompassing and always present in our minds.  I was thinking about everything that has transpired in the last 10 months on our long drive home from Iowa.  It is crazy to think it has been that long, sometimes I feel like it has been 10 years and then the next moment it feels like it was yesterday.  I have never ached or cried this much in my entire life.  I have made some wonderful, amazing friends who have so graciously been there for me and really helped me through this.  I have realized the true meaning of friendship.  I didnt know I could love my baby girl so much, who I just ache to hold.  Oh I could go on for hours but I won't do that.  I am going to pray and go to bed.  Thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life especially for Emma, now that girl gets to me like none other.  Momma loves you Emma.  With all that I have.  

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden in light."  Matthew 11:26.

Angie 

Tomorrow right??

I love Sundays when we have Monday off. It is such an exciting thing to me. 3 day weekends and 4 day weeks are just a wonderful way to live life. Obviously I wish I could just be home with Emma but that is not my life. So I am trying to be positive despite my constant emotions trying to bring me down. I was visiting Kelly's blog (weird I know) and she wrote an article on how to go from 2 incomes to 1 here. So I am now a saving machine. Because we dont have any children here with us we might as well save save save before trying again, knowing that I could be out of work if bedrest is needed.

We went to the lake yesterday and although I was trying to get out of it (Josh won out there) we did have fun. I ate way too much and I could just hear Jillian's head shaking at me...starting tomorrow right?

I had church nursery this morning. I enjoy being around them and serving at church. I did leave with a fat lip this morning, which I do not enjoy but it is part being with 20+ 2-3 year olds for an hour. I am going shopping soon (Ill start saving tomorrow right?)...another lovely thing to do on a Sunday when I dont feel like I am wasting my day - as I still have tomorrow to relax! I suppose I can start saving tomorrow right? We also have a couple other things going on today...but hopefully ill get a few pictures to share later...should be interesting!

I hope everyone is able to enjoy this long weekend. My fellow bereaved moms...I am saying an extra prayer for you today, as I know that extra time to think doesn't help the thoughts/emotions wander...thinking and praying for all today.

Angie

Emma 11-6-08

I really don't know how to start this. I don't know how to write "Emma's story" or even "My Story". It is sad to me that I have to write her story, as her story should be "Emma rolled over today or Emma is a GREAT napper and a GREAT sleeper (okay that is my dream - for any child of mine!). Yet I am stuck writing this. About my sweet baby girl that is no longer with us. This is all from my memory, which is not the greatest...so changes are bound to happen (just fyi).

On November 6th, 2008, Our lives changed forever. We found out we were pregnant at the end of June, 2008. For the first 3 months of pregnancy it was a breeze. I had morning sickness off and on, as long as I ate often I felt pretty good. When I was 15 weeks pregnant I went into my ob, who said I had an infection that was common in pregnancy, and I was also dilated about 1 cm. I was sent home with medication and was told to come back a week later. My Sister in Law brought me to my next appt and I was told that my infection was gone yet I was still dilated. So they did an ultrasound, baby looked great but my cervix looked a little short. So bed rest for the weekend and then I was sent to a perinatologist, a high risk pregnancy specialist. They took their measurements and said it looked good and all of that worry and stress was due to an inexperienced ultrasound tech...I calmed down (as I was completely freaked that entire time) but wasn't completely convinced. One morning when I was student teaching I ended up going to the doctor because I was bleeding. In any pregnancy, when you see that it can’t be good (from my experience). Josh was of course out of town for work so I called his grandma and asked if she would go with me. I was about 17.5 weeks then and was a little worried, but like my previous things that came up, they were noted and taken care of right away. I was brought right in and another ultrasound was done. I was told was something that I could have never expected. The doctor that I saw said there was low amniotic fluid around the baby and that could be because of 2 things – either the baby could have a fatal kidney dysfunction or my water broke. He looked at the ultrasound pictures and determined that he thought it was that my bag of waters broke. He said that he was really sorry, and then told me that I was miscarrying, and would deliver within the week. Bed rest was the only option. Oh the joy began. I could get up and go to the bathroom and shower 2 times a week. I was told that viability was 23 weeks, and that became our goal like none other. 23 weeks was what I wanted SO bad, now Josh and I look back and think how naive we were then. I didn't think about any of that however, all I thought about was getting to that point. Josh's cousin from California graciously flew in to help. She was so nice and was such a help! We wouldn't have made it without her! I had ultrasounds, appts, and more ultrasounds for another 5 1/2 wks. I was terrified every time we went in, I would be holding back tears praying so hard there was still a heartbeat. I would have tears in my eyes when I would see her kicking and when they said how strong she was. Every single time. I never took that for granted. On Sunday evening (November 2nd), I called the on call doctor because I was bleeding again. We went to United/Children's Hospital - and I am so glad Josh was there with me. I had a small placental tear and they did yet another ultrasound. Emma had a strong heartbeat and was kicking away. I was worried yet also encouraged. At EVERY single appointment I had, my doctor’s raved on how Emma had a strong heartbeat and was on the move, well kicking and trying to move because it was difficult to move when there wasn’t much fluid (my AFI was never over 3, which is VERY low). They wanted to keep me overnight and would discuss options in the morning. I was told that I was going to be admitted on Friday and would stay there the remainder of my pregnancy. I’m not going to lie, I was terrified. I was so thankful that they were finally going to do all they could to help us, and that we were on our way to a long hospital stay. When I got home I cried and cried, I couldn't believe that I would have to be in the hospital for that long, many nights without Josh and so much uncertainty. I still feel guilty for acting so selfish, and I have really struggled with that. You would not believe how many days, weeks, months on end I have wished I was still lying in a hospital bed. I was discharged Monday around noon, set to come back that Friday.

On Wednesday night I started having lower back contractions. I was told since my water broke that I could have them at any time, for any length. So I tried to go to bed and sleep. I would sleep a couple hours, wake up and be up for a bit and then fall back asleep. That continued about every 3-4 hours. It was a little better when Josh got up for work, so I continued to try and sleep. Thursday was my day of packing and my shower day, as I was going to have even more limited showers when I was admitted to the hospital. I woke up around 10:30 and was in pain. One of my dear friends Katie called me, and I explained that I thought I was having contractions/in labor and needed to call Bethany to bring me in. She talked to me for a bit to try and distract me, but to no avail. I said needed to call Beth. I called Bethany at about 11:15 (I think) and thankfully J (Beth's hubby, Josh's brother) was home. I don't know if we would have made it to United without him. Either of them. They picked me up at about 11:30, and the usual 35-40 minute drive took us about 25 minutes... In that 25 minutes my contractions were getting closer and closer and I was in SO much pain. As soon as one contraction would subside another would start again. We arrived at United/Children's hospital (where I was on Sunday and going to be admitted) and I was immediately taken back to L&D and they were going to try and "check me" and well needless to say I was fully dilated and they wheeled me down the hall. I don't remember all the details here, other than there was about 20 people in the room, some for me but most for Emma. I heard them call the NICU team and though I was terrified that I was actually delivering her, I was glad they were there and that we were there...I delivered Emma at 12:15pm. (There was not much time in between when we arrived and when I delivered, God was working on our side there, as it would NOT have been good to deliver in their car...not at all!) The NICU team immediately took her and put the tube down her throat. One of the most vivid memories of mine that I still constantly replay is when they turned around towards me after they picked her up off the table and said "we are so sorry, we did all we could but her lungs are just too small". I broke down. I was shaking and bawling. Thankfully Bethany was right there calming me down (Josh was still driving to United as everything happened so quickly).

As soon as they put her in my arms I was instantly calmed. Her heartbeat was strong but there was nothing they could do. Emma was 1.1 lbs and 13 inches long. She was so tiny, just a little peanut. I held her most of the day, as family came in and out. We had many family members come which was so great. I appreciated it so much, I don't think I said much, but I was so glad they were there and able to see and experience Emma. J & Beth called the funeral home and dealt with all of that, which I am so appreciative of, as I couldn't even think straight. How do you proceed once you just delivered your daughter and can't take her home? I remember the nurses wanting to take pictures, I was so appalled. Why would I want to document this? Why would I want pictures of my baby that died? All I can say is Thank You. Thank you for my wonderful nurses who took the pictures of Emma, along with her hand prints and footprints. I love looking at them and am so grateful for them. I was grateful for them the minute I left the hospital. I cannot imagine not having them. The nurses/peri that I had were wonderful. I am so thankful for them! Emma was with us for 3 short hours before she went to be with Jesus. We stayed at the hospital and I held her until the funeral home came. It killed me to leave that hospital without Emma in my arms. I should not have had to leave without my baby. But I did, and she baby is in the arms of Jesus, safe from any harm. I was pretty much in shock the whole day (especially after I was given some pain meds) and don't remember showing much emotion. I couldn't. Looking back now, I totally think it was the shock, our new reality hadn't set in. Oh boy did it ever about a 24 hrs later, but that is another post, for another day.

Whew. Don't know if you wanted that detailed of a story. I'm exhausted from writing this, and it took me oh about 3 weeks :) Thanks for reading all of that, if you did I am impressed! I seem to go on and on about Emma! That wonderful, sweet, perfect baby girl of mine has changed my life in SO many ways and I am so grateful for our time with her. I miss her more than the words can say. I love you Emma. Love, Mommy.

Isn't she the cutest little thing???! I think so, however I do know I am partial...

Angie

Don't forget to smell the roses

I feel like I have been neglecting this blog...even though I have been on many nights trying to finish "emma's story". I think tomorrow will be the day... hopefully :)

I came home from work early today as I am not feeling well. I went and got the mail and it just made me smile. I received 2 packages. One was the new Selah cd, that I pre-ordered because 1. I love that group and 2. "I will carry you" is a bonus track on there that Angie Smith wrote when they found out about their Audrey. It is a great song and I think any mom who has lost a child needs to hear it - and of course anyone else as well. It is a tear jerker, so be prepared.

My next package was an anticipated Blessing Ring (go to link for a description of a Blessing Ring), from Elaine @ Design Etc She is a talented woman who is expecting her second baby in October. She has a special place in my heart/prayers, as well as her soon to be daughter. Here is "emma's" Blessing Ring: I think it turned out great. I emailed Elaine awhile back and she was so sweet to help me figure out what I wanted to do for our Blessing Ring. I wanted a place where I can display all of Emma's cards and that could be moved and placed pretty much anywhere. I forgot to take a picture of the back(of course), the actual "blessing" and I am not going to do it now...so I will be sure to post that soon. I will also post a picture when I have all of the cards on there. Let me just say I LOVE how it turned out and I appreciate it so much. Thanks Elaine!!

We had a great weekend. My beautiful niece was dedicated to the Lord on Sunday, and it was a great service. Let me tell you it took all I had not to break down in tears as all of the families were walking up on stage with their precious babies. I so wished we were up there with Emma. I was overjoyed to see many HEALTHY babies, along with my sweet niece, who we love so so much. My wonderful sister in law is so thoughtful, and really made it easier on me (us). She ordered a bouquet of flowers and had them centered in between all of the food for the get together after the service. There was a note under it that said "In honor of Emma Joy Nixon, 11-6-08". It was such a wonderful gesture and I appreciated it so much. They gave them to us when we left as well, they are so beautiful and I love looking at them. Here there are so you can (sort of) enjoy them as well Aren't they beautiful?!! I love the many colors and different flowers, especially the Lily's in the front. When I got home from work today I was smelling them and started crying. It reminded me of the many flowers we received when we lost Emma, and especially the smell. Our house smelt like a flower shop. I was sad when all the flowers were gone. Even though they reminded me of losing Emma, they reminded me of her. I honestly think for the rest of my life I will think of Emma when I smell flowers. I am glad for that. I know that I will never forget to stop and smell the roses. I look forward to smelling many more flowers and thinking of Emma. Thank you Bethany, for the flowers and the thought. It meant so much.

Well I am going to try and go to bed, in hopes to get rid of whatever it is I am dealing with. Being sick is the pits.

Angie

Be Still

Tonight I am sad. I am having major moments and don't know why. I am sorry if you have emailed and I haven't responded. I promise I will. We were super busy this weekend and I think that is partly why I am sad tonight, as I didn't have much needed "Angie time" where I could relax and reflect, what I so love doing. I think about Emma, pray and ask God to be with us in everything we do and that we are able to shine through our sadness. Oh I just miss her. I wish I could hold her one last time.

Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10). This verse has been on my heart the past couple of days. So I am tyring to be still and know the He is my God and knows my path. I am so thankful to have my faith in our Lord , that I will be able to see my baby girl in heaven someday soon.

Angie

Show us your life: Wedding Reception and Honeymoon

I am late again with posting along with Kelly's Korner Show us your life - Wedding reception and Honeymoon. We had a beautiful reception and it was oh so much fun. I am tired and want to go to bed soon, but thought I would post pictures of our wonderful night with brief captions :)


My mom and I made our centerpieces, we had wreaths with berries around them and then vases with floating candles in the center (my poor mom has about a thousand vases now :)
We also made the reception program, giving the MANY guests an idea of how the night was going to unfold.


Here is my adorable cousins again, Jack and Kylie. This is when the wedding party entered, I have the best pictures of them!





The wedding party sitting down at our head table...we (I) couldn't wait to sit down!


Seen this picture before?? I love it and think I have posted it at least a couple times on here before....

Here we are dancing away!

Wedding party dance - or talk??

I don't know how we ended up taking a picture against a plain wall...!

A fun tip about our wedding reception...I am 1/2 Danish, and my dad's side of the family is all Dane, gets a little crazy sometimes! Anyways - every Christmas we have a tradition of dancing around the Christmas tree and sing a traditional song along with many other Christmas songs. I was terrified to bring Josh to our Christmas, but thankfully he was a trooper and jumped right in when we started dancing around the tree! Anyways - since our wedding was so close to "Lil Yuleoften" (Danish Christmas celebration) on the 23rd, we thought it would be fitting to dance around the Christmas tree at our reception! I was a little nervous to see what everyone on Josh's side thought, and our other friends and relatives who are not accustomed to this fun tradition...but it was a hit and a great memory!


I had to wear 4 1/2 inch heals to look remotely tall compared to my hubs, as he is 6'1 and I am almost 5 ft. So clearly by the end of our night my sister was on the ground taking my shoes off. I was beyond tired!

It was a beautiful, wonderful event that we have SO many memories of and are so grateful for everyone that came and helped us out! It was just a great day!

We didnt go on a honeymoon, as we didnt want to miss out on all of our Christmas festivities with all of our families that shared in our wedding. We were planning one but then was put off when I got pregnant and then we just decided to wait...and then we went on a Cruise this past May for Tonya and Dave's Wedding - so we considered that our honeymoon a year later! Just with many family members - but fun!

Okay....Goodnight!

Angie

P.S. - I have been adding little bits to Emma's story to post but am just not there yet. I have had a couple of rough days the past week and have not made it through my final thoughts :) It will be up shortly. Thank you for all your prayers and support!

FYI - Long month of whining ahead...

Tonight is my first night of Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and all I can say is oh my. I started it at 8:00 and at 8:04 I was dying. Literally about to pass out. I don't know how I made it through all 20 minutes (yes that is it!) and survived. I think I looked at the clock every chance I got and it always said 8:09. I felt like I had been doing it for an hour already! I know if I can keep this up - I will see results (hopefully). I need to see results, as I am just sick of looking and feeling this way. Losing a baby is hard enough to have to be frustrated and completely annoyed with yourself to add to it. So Jillian - please shred my lbs! I will be so thrilled if this works! Day one - check! Now just the 29 more days to go...agh! My thighs are already sore as I am laying in bed...this is going to be a long month of whining on here - just an fyi :)


Tomorrow is August 6th. I cannot believe how fast the time flies around here. 9 months since I delivered my sweet baby girl. 9 months is how long I should have been pregnant for. I remember when I first got pregnant I thought how 9 months is forever away. Although I cannot believe that it has already been 9 months, I still have my days of wondering how everyone else continues on with their lives (unfortunately myself mostly included in that) though Emma isn't here with us. Why doesn't everyone else stop on the 6th of every month? Why doesn't everyone else get tears in their eyes and a pain in their heart when they hear or see the name Emma? Why doesn't everyone else replay every event that occurred that day she was born over and over in their head incessantly? Will that change? I am not sure. But I do know that even though I feel these things and have these thoughts, I know God is protecting me and providing for us in more ways that I can say. When I have those thoughts/feelings I will talk and pray to Him and He gets me through it. Every minute, every second of every day. Thank you Lord, for protecting and loving me with all you have.

I am working on Emma's story - so stay tuned, for those who do not know all of the details. I thought it would be good to have it out there, as that is what this blog was founded/created on. Oh and for my workout complaints...

goodnight my sweet princess - mommy misses you to pieces.