Back when we lost Emma, I received tons of cards, emails, texts, phone calls, etc. One in particular was an email - from a wonderful woman whom I admire greatly. She went on to explain that she hated many things about our situation - how she hated that we had to face such an excruciating loss, that we had to leave the hospital without our daughter. And then she talked about the things she loved. She loved her name, that we were able to hold her and some close family members were there. I loved that email. It was a great way of expressing our feelings - as we hated we lost Emma but love her so so much. I was going through all of the cards and emails we received (what else does a grieving mom do when she cant sleep at 1:45 in the morning??) and came across that email again. It stood out to me and so I thought I would see if I could write some love/hate things down (okay I wanted to see if I could write the things I love down...we will see how that goes..) I do not particularly like the word hate, as I feel it is very strong and as I used to tell my first graders...choose your words wisely. Well unfortunately I am going to use the word hate and what hurts the most is that I mean every single bit of it....
I hate that Emma isn't here with us. I hate that we were not able to bring her home. I hate the fact that Josh and I have to figure out this rollercoaster ride of (my) emotions the past 8 months. I hate that we were forced to ride this nightmare rollercoaster. I hate that it has been over 8 months since I held my baby girl. I hate that I am worried about having any more children when I know my lifelong goal was to be a wife and mom...(yes that was/is seriously a lifelong goal of mine). Okay I could go on but I wont.
I love that Emma was with us for 3 hours. I love that I was able to hold and take in my sweet baby girl (although I was completely out of it and in shock). I love that I have met some wonderful, inspiring women who have unfortunately walked this same road as well. I love that I can see/feel God working in me. I love that I have developed a whole new passion in life and I more than plan to more than fulfill that. I love that it is raining right now - it is so fitting my mood. Most of all I love that I know and love a God who is hurting with me, and I can run to him.
Here I am Lord, running to you.
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Angie-
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said. I hope and pray that you are able to move more toward what you love and not focus on what you hate. Phil 4:4 - Rejoice in the Lord, always. When we choose (and that is hard) to set our eyes on what God has given us it changes our heart.
God gave you good health.
God gave you the ability to have more children.
God gave you a wonderful husband that stayed with you during this trial.
God has continued to put food on your table. God gave you Emma for 3 hours.
God gave you people to help you walk through this storm and I'm sure that you can think of many, many more things He has given you.
He will also give you so many things in the future. He has so many blessings that are coming your way. You can't see them yet but that is what Faith is. Trusting what you cannot see. I've always thought of God like the wind. You can't see him but you can feel him. I'm glad that the wind is blowing right now. I'm glad you can feel Him. He is by your side and He will lead you through.
Take care and know that you are loved and cared for in CA.
Trisha
Angie...I've been meaning to come by and tell you thanks so much for the sweet comments you always leave me. Thanks so much for that!
ReplyDeleteReading your post makes me realize just how much I take for granted. I think I spend so much time feeling down and don't stop to really thank God for the blessings he's given me. I am so sorry that you aren't able to have Emma here with you, but that was such a gift that you at least got to have her here for those three hours. This blog is a great way to get all your feelings out and remember your little girl.
I pray that with each day the Lord will make your load a little lighter and that one day you'll be able to hold another little baby in your arms. I am so thankful that the Lord promised us that He would never leave us or forsake us. At least we have hope because of Him. Imagine what it would be like with out that.
Thanks so much for letting me be a part of your journey.
Love ya,
Veronica