Back when we lost Emma, I received tons of cards, emails, texts, phone calls, etc. One in particular was an email - from a wonderful woman whom I admire greatly. She went on to explain that she hated many things about our situation - how she hated that we had to face such an excruciating loss, that we had to leave the hospital without our daughter. And then she talked about the things she loved. She loved her name, that we were able to hold her and some close family members were there. I loved that email. It was a great way of expressing our feelings - as we hated we lost Emma but love her so so much. I was going through all of the cards and emails we received (what else does a grieving mom do when she cant sleep at 1:45 in the morning??) and came across that email again. It stood out to me and so I thought I would see if I could write some love/hate things down (okay I wanted to see if I could write the things I love down...we will see how that goes..) I do not particularly like the word hate, as I feel it is very strong and as I used to tell my first graders...choose your words wisely. Well unfortunately I am going to use the word hate and what hurts the most is that I mean every single bit of it....
I hate that Emma isn't here with us. I hate that we were not able to bring her home. I hate the fact that Josh and I have to figure out this rollercoaster ride of (my) emotions the past 8 months. I hate that we were forced to ride this nightmare rollercoaster. I hate that it has been over 8 months since I held my baby girl. I hate that I am worried about having any more children when I know my lifelong goal was to be a wife and mom...(yes that was/is seriously a lifelong goal of mine). Okay I could go on but I wont.
I love that Emma was with us for 3 hours. I love that I was able to hold and take in my sweet baby girl (although I was completely out of it and in shock). I love that I have met some wonderful, inspiring women who have unfortunately walked this same road as well. I love that I can see/feel God working in me. I love that I have developed a whole new passion in life and I more than plan to more than fulfill that. I love that it is raining right now - it is so fitting my mood. Most of all I love that I know and love a God who is hurting with me, and I can run to him.
Here I am Lord, running to you.