I love to send cards, get cards, look at cards, I have a nice stash of cards too. I enjoy sending gifts and especially picking out gifts :) I stopped into target the other night specifically to get a gift and a card. These gifts could not have been more opposite. One was a baby gift for a good friend who is pregnant with her second child. The card was for one of my fellow support group members because their son's year anniversary of his death is at the end of July. As I was reading through all of the cards and holding a baby gift in my hand, extreme sadness overcame me. It took all that I had not to start crying right there. My mind filled with so many "whys" - Why am I here looking at sympathy cards when I should be getting a first birthday card? Sadly, I would not even know this couple if we hadn't lost Emma. They seem like such a great couple, it is so heartbreaking they lost their baby boy. I should have been getting 2 gifts, well probably only one actually, not a gift and a sympathy card. Then I was trying to find the perfect card. How do you search for a card to say I am so sorry that your baby isn't here with you, this should have been such a fun and exciting time- planning and enjoying your child's first birthday. Or you read cards that simply say that you are sorry their "loved one" isn't here. I just couldn't bring myself to get this card. It did not seem personal by any means, and I wanted to personalize their child, I wanted them to read a card that didn't have some specific word that stood out and didn't fit. I finally found a card- I don't know if it is the perfect card but it was the best one I found after being in the card section at target for oh at least 30 minutes.
As much as I do not want to be a part of this group, as much as I do not want to go to a support group meeting, as much as I do not want to see a counselor, as much as I dont want Emma to be gone, I am a part of this group, I am glad to have the support group and I know I needed the counselor. I am a completely different person.
I am tired, exhausted, worn out. I am going to try to go to bed...and hopefully fall asleep. The annoying and frustrating thing is that I dont know if I will be able to. I NEED to get over this late falling asleep thing- it is really beginning to put the icing on my cake. I miss my sweet baby girl so much.