Exhausted or not

I was the only one in the office today and the only one in there tomorrow. My boss took my co-workers and their spouses to his home in Florida for 4 days for our Christmas party. I was bummed I couldnt go on the Florida trip, but due to my medical anomolies I was unable to travel. Since I couldnt go, I was going to be "positive" anyways. Well I was "glad" that I would have 2 days to get work done with minimal interuptions & hopefully get caught up on alot of things. Well let me tell you, with things consuming your mind such as this & this I can tell you one thing - being alone all day is NOT a good thing. My mind started to wander and I think I was crying by 10 am. I am missing my sweet girl this Christmas season. I am one emotional wreck (when I am alone...). Then having this miscarriage has made it a little more difficult to suffocate my feelings or suffice them for the work day. I honestly dont know where the day went, and dont know if I got anything done. So I decided to leave at 4:20 to try and beat some of the traffic and boy...It was absolutely horrible. Words cannot even describe. I thought being alone at work was difficult...try being alone in a car hardly MOVING. Thankfully I was able to BLAST the radio and try to tune out the rest of my mind that wouldn't stop going.  It helped a little, but only until the multiple commercials came on and all of the sad songs.  

Ugh.  Been a rough night.  I love the holiday season, but sometimes (okay, many times) it does bring back some difficult memories & heartache.  I long to hold Emma right now, I would be snuggling up with her and enjoying ever second of it, exhausted or not.   

I feel like I always put this picture up - but I just love it.  She looks oh so sweet & peaceful.  I would give anything to snuggle her up & kiss that sweet nose right about now....

Be strong & courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

Angie

I cannot wait for that day

Can you believe it is December??!!  I cannot believe where this time has gone.  I love Christmas time and everything around the holiday season.  I was so happy to come home this past week to read all of the  December posts and look at the festive Christmas decorations.  So fun!  I changed my background to get in the spirit - and my next "to do" is to add some Christmas music to my playlist!  I will have a festive blog then!  I have been listening to Christmas music since before November 1st (and admittedly the New Moon Soundtrack as well) and I just love it. 

I would be lying if the holidays are just all happy and I love them all the time.  It should have been Emma's first Christmas.  It is hard to go to all of the family things without her and to act like we are healed and "better".  Oh how I would love sharing in this wonderful season with her.  I am doing well for the most part - but it is still difficult.  Last year at this time was extremely difficult and I am grateful to be past the rawness of that pain.  But all of those memories and dreams are still in my head and I still have my moments.  And of course, nothing could bring back those hurtful & heartbreaking feelings like what I am about to share with you...(and if you know me in real life please dont share with others - as I havent brought all my family up to speed on everything mainly because I dont want to worry them...thank you)- but I feel like I can share & it will explain while I have been so unexplainably (sp/word??) absent in blogging land.  Ill start off by saying this.  I am sad. angry. hurt. tired. overwhelmed. terrified. frustrated. hopeful.  It is amazing to me that I can even say that last word but I am being completely honest.  Ill try to explain all - please bear with me....     

On Monday November 17th I decided to take one of these...

and I got this...

and I was a little surprised so I took 2 more...

and then 2 more of a different brand just in case...

So yes in total I took 5 pregnancy tests.  Crazy?  Maybe.  Scary?  Inevitable when you have lost a child.  Exciting?  Of course.  And they all said the same thing, actually they practically screamed pregnant!  Well like I said, I was a little surprised - but excited nonetheless.  Then in rare form - the journey began.  Once again.  I didnt know my exact "dates" ill say, so I called my dr and was told to come in for an ultrasound and beta testing to see what we could figure out.  I had the ultrasound the day before Thanksgiving and The past 2+ weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions...

I went in for an ultrasound so they could do measurements of my cervix & determine dates, etc & found out 4 different things. Ill spare you all the details - but basically the pregnancy is not viable.  It has been a waiting game since that first u/s and I am just sick of it.  I had more tests & another u/s on Friday - and they said the same thing.  It has been a long weekend and the worst part is we still dont know exactly what is going on and our next steps.  I am hoping to find out a little more today.

I am hopeful.  I know that is because of the family & friends that are praying for me right now & because I am still trusting Him.  Dont get me wrong - I shared above my WIDE range of emotions that I have/had over the past 2+ weeks and they are anything but hopeful.  I have not felt hopeful this entire time.  But I do now.  Not with this pregnancy (because it has already been determined) but with a future one.  My lifelong dream is to be a mom.  I am a momma to Emma, my sweet first born, yet I dont get to have her here with me.  I know it will happen though & I cannot wait for that day.     

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run & not grow weary; they will walk & not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31

Angie

A whole bunch of everything...

Boy it has been a long time since I have written on here!  Pathetic I am sorry!  Well I will explain more later but this week has been a little crazy to say the least!  So for now I will talk about Emma's Birthday - which I said I would forever ago!   

Emma's Birthday was 16 days ago.  We have been without our baby girl for a year and 16 days.  I cant believe it.  Josh and I both had Emma's birthday off.  Which was good - it was nice to take time and remember and celebrate her.  We recieved flowers throughout the day which was nice & thoughtful of others.  We went out to dinner with Jayson, Bethany and Hopers - and it was so good!  We then dropped Hope off with her Grandma & Grandpa and Jayson & Beth came back to our house.  We had a wonderful cake from Wuollet's and just talked.  It was fun.  We decided that we would make it a yearly get together - which I love.  I worked myself up on what to do and I was "happy" how it unfolded.  I look forward to creating more traditions in honor of Emma's birthday in the years to come.  Here is a picture of her birthday cake that I got - you cant really see the writing because the lighting was just not working - but it said Happy First Birthday Emma.  It was just perfect! 

My brother went hunting last weekend so we offered to watch his puppy - tyce.  He is a half german shepherd/half black lab.  He is adorable but oh so crazy!!  I guess living with 6 college boys who like to have different "friends" over does that to a puppy.  It was fun but let me tell you - I will never ever have 2 dogs at the same time, despite what Joshua may think.  It is definitely not for me.  They sure had fun together though - it was fun watching them enjoy each other so much! 

But just to reiterate - no matter how cute, I do not want 2 dogs at the same time...or I guess I should say a 3 month old puppy and an obsessive crazy dog at the same time...so we will see :)

We also had Hoper's 1st Birthday party - it was so much fun!  Of course - my wonderful Sister in law had about 15 dozen pink roses in the middle of the spread she had out and there was a card that said Happy 1st Birthday Emma.  So sweet & subtle but it makes an insurmountable difference in how I handle things and how I am feeling.  I love you Bethany!!  

Okay I will try and wrap this up - This past Thursday (technically Friday I suppose) night Bethany and I went to see the midnight showing of NEW MOON!!!!  It was so great!  I might be going again with Bethany & a couple other friends soon here...so I better get going!  Ill leave you with the trailer and a great view.... :)  ha!  Have a great week!!! 

Happy Birthday Hopers

I just wanted to say Happy FIRST Birthday Hopers! 


We love you so much and enjoy every second with you!  You are our sunshine pretty girl!  We had a great time at your 1st birthday party!! 

ps...Hope's birthday was yesterday, the 12th - but of course my computer died right before I was going to post and of course Kobe had chewed up the charger when we were at work yesterday...UGH!!! 

Love, 

Auntie Angie

One more day

I cant believe it has been a year since I had Emma.  It has been a year since she was alive and well and kicking in me.  It has been a year since I held my sweet precious baby girl.  It has been a year since I kissed her head and looked at her 10 fingers and toes.  I cannot believe we have made it through this year without her, but we have.  God has graciously brought us through the worst year of our life with many things we were so blessed with.  I am so glad I was chosen to carry Emma, and though I wish she was here, we know she is healthy and by our Makers side.  What a wonderful place to be.  She has changed us for the better.  I dont take anything for granted, especially a health pregnancy and baby.   It truely is God's given miracle and I dont know how much I will ever be able to stress that enough.  

I have had many tough moments this year.  I do not even know how many times I have cried said to Josh - "I am just having a moment!" or how many times I ask God why we couldn't have Emma.  I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom but I dont.  The only words I have are that we wouldnt be where we are today with Him. 

I got a facebook message yesterday, on Emma's birthday.  It was from a friend of Josh and mine - he said he had thought of us when he heard it and wanted to share.  It was called One More Day by Rocekt Club.  I had never heard it so I went to itunes, purchased it and was in tears as I listened to the first line in the song.  I facebooked him back telling him how much I loved the song and that today was Emma's birthday.  He had no idea.  Definitely a God thing, he couldnt have sent it to me at a better time.  I think I have listened to it at least 100 times in the past day.  At least.  I tried to add it to my playlist at the bottom but playlist.com doesnt have it yet.  Ugh!  So here is the song - it was written by a dad who lost his daughter at 38 weeks (I believe) to a cord accident.  This dad is Mark Lacek, and he and his wife Susan founded Faith'sLodge in honor of their daughter, Faith.  It is a wonderful organization and I hope to attend one day.  Incase you havent listened to the song yet - listen HERE.  (itunes is better quality but you do have pay the 0.99 :)  Make sure you have a couple kleenex's.  It is focused on losing his daughter, but we all know the feelings are mutual for a sweet baby boy as well :) 

Here is the letter I wrote to Emma last week.  I will post later this week on what we did on her birthday, along with some pictures but blogger will not let me post them for some reason right now.  Anyways I am emotionally spent right now and am going to bed.  

Emma,

Happy birthday sweet girl!  I cant believe you would be one year old.  Emma there is not a day that goes by that I am not thinking about you.  I wonder so many things - who you would act like (I am sure you would have your daddy's craziness) and what color hair you would have.  I wonder if you would have been a great sleeper or if you would have had me begging for my sanity cause this momma needs her sleep (I am guessing the 2nd of the two - especially with your daddy's craziness!).  But then I remind myself that you are perfect in heaven.  I cannot wait until the day comes that I get to see your face again.  Where I can pick you up and tell you how much I love you and have missed you so much.  I am so thankful for you and you have made me a better person.  I have wished that you were here with us so many times I cant even count.  I find so much comfort that I will get to see you again.  My heart will be bursting with joy.  I love you to the moon and back and you will forever be in my heart.  You are loved and missed by so many,  I cant wait for you to meet them in heaven.  I just know you will steal their hearts.     

Happy first Birthday Emma.  Mommy and daddy miss you so much.  You are loved sweet girl! 

Love, Mommy. 

Thank you for your fervent prayers for us.  

In Him,  

Angie 

The stockings are hung

Last year I didnt know if I would be "up" to decorating for the holidays.  I definitely wasnt looking forward to everything, even though Christmas is my absolute FAVORITE time of year...I did get married on the 21st of December remember?   Well when I wasnt doing anything after we lost Emma, I decided to put my Christmas decorations up.  I have always loved doing it so I knew that I just had to, regardless of our circumstances.  So I did.  I put my decorations up and granted they didnt make me "better" but it did help.  It wasnt so gloomy around the house and didnt appear that I was so heartbroken and didnt want to come out of my room.   

Fast forward to this year.   I was starting to think about Emma's birthday and getting sad.  It was Halloween, which isnt my favorite of holidays so I was sort of down...so what did I do?  Oh yes I did it, I put up my Christmas tree and my Christmas decorations.  I love it.  It makes me smile when I need it most.  I will leave you with some pictures to get you into the holiday spirit :)

I dont have all my ornaments on my tree so dont judge too harshly just yet :)  I technically cannot put any on the bottom because Kobe is tempted to play with them!  I am also bummed to say that when I came home tonight Kobe had already decided to play with my handmade tree skirt, lets just say my emotional self started crying when I saw that - ugh those dogs sometimes!!!

 The stockings are hung

My favorite stocking of all - our sweet angel.

My mom got me this nativity seen the year we got married.  I love it because it is small & simple but says so much.  I love nativity scenes.  I think I have 3 already and have 2 up right now! 

I love these vases that I got at HomeGoods for very CHEAP!  Which is even better because when I was changing out my fall fillers to the Christmas ornaments I broke the top of the Viking colored ornaments.  Oh well - I guess I will have to make another stop in there! 

Now I just cannot wait to listen to Christmas music!  That will be the icing on the cake!  I decided that I am going to get the Chris Tomlin Christmas cd this year - I love him and Christmas music so I know it will be a great purchase already!  Dont worry, I will probably wait until after Thanksgiving to start listening to Christmas music. 

Thanks for your prayers - I really appreciate them as always!!  I pretty much lost it last night - the littlest thing started the tears.  I am hoping to compose myself tonight. 

I ordered miss Emma a cake for Friday.  Boy do I miss that sweet girl. 

Angie

Not without faith

On the 31st of October last year I was on bedrest with Emma.  On November 2nd I had to go the hospital for a complication in my pregnancy.  I stayed overnight and was discharged on the 3rd.  I was told that I would be admitted on Friday November 7th for the remainder of my pregnancy.  Then I delivered my sweet, precious, baby girl on Thursday November 6th, 2008.  I was 23 weeks pregnant.  She lived for 3 hours.  To say the first week in November is emotional for me is a slight understatement.

As the music started playing in church this morning and I sang Blessed Be Your Name and Stronger, the tears were continuously streaming down my face.  It isnt unheard of that I cry in church, but the first 2 songs in is pretty early...but both of those songs have such strong words that hit home.  Pastor Bob continued in our series Not Without You, and the topic for today was Not Without Faith.  Fitting.  Pastor Bob described obedient faith as doing what God wants you to do and go without knowing the outcome and trusting him the whole way.  We need to take that step of faith and trust Him no matter what.  No questions, no worries.  I dont know where I would be today without my faith in God.  I know this week and Friday will be difficult, maybe it is the anticipation, so then I should say that I know the anticipation of this week is hard.  I really dont want to go to work tomorrow, or any day this week for that matter.  Seeing everyone able to go about their day and normal life is sometimes difficult.  But I am going and I will take that step of faith and know that God will be with me.  When I am missing my girl the most He is there.  I am so thankful for that.     

Now I am not near perfect and I am not saying that this is an easy thing.  I have cried 3 times today.  I wish I could just curl up in my bed this week.  I don't want to go through the upcoming holidays that I love so much without Emma.  I want to buy her the most adorable red Christmas dress to bring her to church in.  But that is not what was chosen for us.  I will have faith and trust that God is bringing us to a place of much joy and no more sorrow.  That our faith will be a witness to others because of Emma and that her legacy will live on forever. 

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" Psalm 126:5

Thanks for walking this journey with us.  You mean so much to me.

Angie